i'm cleaning my house. i just scrubbed the toilet. i don't think i've ever scrubbed a toilet of my own volition, much less because people were coming over, until living here, and i've not even been here that long.

if she won't so concerned with my dad--in fact, that is about the only thing she is concerned with these days, and rightfully so...--i'd call her up and tell her so. she'd be so proud.

listening: girls against boys - satin down

that last thing? not quite true!

or maybe it's unconsciously sneaking in and disrupting everything else. i don't know.

at any rate, *something* was keeping me up last night. it didn't feel like an overwhelming urge to write, although i probably could have squeezed something out, and it didn't feel like something i had to talk about. i couldn't identify an issue; it was just 1am on a day in which had awakened at the asscrack of dawn and wasn't ready to crash until well after midnight. maybe if i were able to irk from bed, i would have. i wonder what it's like to fall asleep at the keyboard.

so now it's 8:20, and i'm rather wide awake. maybe after i do stuff, i'll be dead tired and require a nap. i've found i can only nap when it's required, like during that hour between my cogpsy lecture and returning to work on wednesdays. that is the perfect time for falling asleep on the brown lawn outside the fisheries building, using my blue sweatshirt--as i leave the house when it's still cloudy, i'm not sure how the weather will be in the afternoon--for a headrest. the sun beats down, i get mildly burnt, and it is so pleasant. this week i even almost slept my entire alotted naptime (1 to 1:45) before shaking myself and taking a dazed stroll to the T-wing.

i have a zit under my nose that hurts. i hate that.

josie hasn't let me know about carting my brother tomorrow yet, and i think she's working already today, so i won't hear for awhile. maybe i should just see if my mom has another plan already.

i need to prepare my house to be invaded by seven others. i don't think it's ready at all. not that i am the sort of girl who needs to make everything prim and proper for her friends, but that is an awful lot of people, more than have previously invaded, and i think it will require extra measures to ensure their comfort.

i wrote a little more fiction to accompany that piece about the corridors the other day, but it's not ready yet. or something. i think i will be working on those off and on in the future. i've been thinking of kinda-stories about my version of a living purgatory. this may morph, but that's what it is for now. i don't do enough creative writing, and when i do, it's kind of refreshing, but frustrating. at the same time, journaling gets fucking lame because i don't say anything interesting. just "this is what's going on in my life, blah blah blah." it's like an open letter to whom it may concern, not much of a real writing project (though i do see the art in letter-craft).

i have been thinking lately that it really sucks how i'm not gettin' any (in the colloquial sense, thx), and how if i wanted to get some, there would be too many other things that came along with it that i am probably ill-equipped to deal with at present due to the emotional consequences of family circumstances. i talked about this with christine last night, and she told me, "well, at least you know your limits." yeah, i guess, but still.

eh. stuff stuff stuff. i need to go be happy.

listening: radio 4 - speaking in codes

good god, it's friday. i am so glad. today has been a good day, and i have two more good days in store, i think, i hope, i need.

went to work this morning, as usual. decided that, since i didn't have to go to stats at all and i was pissed off at cogpsy, i would just go home after i got off, which made me happy. i am still thinking of dropping cogpsy because that class is so crappy. the material is good, but the prof sucks. the class structure sucks. it's laaame. i fall asleeeeep. so i skipped!

when i came home, i figured jenny was gone. i was home at least three hours before i realized i was wrong. i put on my new david holmes bow down to the exit sign lp, and a few minutes later, she emerged from her room and informed me that she had slept through her classes and a workout date, then offered to make me some eggflower soup. i accepted. she really liked the lp, but the D-side had skipping problems. my mom's turntable pisses me off, because it's super-sensitive to skipping. drives. me. insane. agh, but at least it plays shit some of the time, unlike my turntable, which fails to play anything at the right speed, ever, anymore. sigh.

oh, yes, the believer yesterday was...pretty flawed and overall weak. the premise and the main character were intriguing, but the film itself was pretty suck. i wish it had been better. today, however, i met up with jana and amanda and we saw home movie, which was very cool. the short, heavy metal parking lot, at the end was hilarious. we thought about seeing eight legged freaks afterwards, but christine was waiting outside the theater--she had gotten off work late and decided not to join us--so she and i went to trader joe's, i ate dinner at home, and then we took a nice walk to gasworks. ohh, such a lovely sunset, but ohh, so many obnoxious insects.

tomorrow is going to be fun! as is sunday! i think my brother is definitely coming up somehow! my mom bought him an eyepatch for the occasion! josie will be here! people are coming over! i love my friends! yay! life is okay as long as i forget that one certain thing long enough to enjoy it, i think...

listening: the long winters - carparts

gotta love thursdays. this thursday is especially lovely, since my stats prof is gone and we just had a test yesterday, so the lecture's been cancelled. i only have my noon class, then nothing else to do today. woo! tomorrow is the same, though i might go take the "optional" quiz if i'm so inclined after work. i might just sit around and read or write, though. that sounds much more appealing, but it will depend entirely on my state of wakefulness at the time.

chris and i are supposed to go see the believer this afternoon, i think. it is supposed to be good and intense. we shall see! i was totally drawn in by the previews; it looks all purposefully shocking, so it could go either way.

speaking of movies, i am awaiting (with bated breath, ha) a call from someone working for amazon.com about an interview for the imdb internship. like i have probably mentioned before, that internship sounds like a good match for my skills and needs, though not nearly as cool or interesting as the stranger, from whom i have heard nothing. grrr. anyway, i imagine i will muster up some strength to not totally botch the interview, and they might want me. yippy. six hours a week of unpaid work later, and i have a shiny new thing to put on my resume. oh, and i can get credit. hoo-fucking-rah. i am not sure i'll exercise that option.

i am looking forward to the weekend. a lot. saturday i can hit up the farmer's market, which is always fun, and maybe go thrifting. saturday evening, i think several of us are meeting up at the thai-ger room at an as-yet unspecified time, then coming back to my place (with more people, most likely) to watch my favorite movie ever, harold and maude, and make dessert crepes. it will be a lot of people and a lot of crepes and a lot of fun. yay!

sunday is the jason webley pirate show on the bainbridge island ferry. it (obviously) won't be a traditional show, but it will be a hell of a good time. a lot of people i know are coming to that, too, and dressing like pirates! ARRRRRR! i have the perfect skirt for it. i am a sexy pirate. heh. i...don't think ferry officials...exactly...KNOW we're taking over their ferry...but we are. so no one better be a fuck-up.

my brother is supposed to come for at least some of this weekend, somehow. josie might give him a ride on sunday, but if she can't, my mom said they would figure out some other way, because the pirate ship is supposed to be a lot of fun. paul playing dress-up is cool, because he actually enjoys wearing suits and things. i told him he should try to look like the dread pirate roberts from princess bride. he could totally do it. it's much like zorro, but without the cape and hat.

listening: wilco - that's not the issue

a short list of things that bring me joy in life:

cooking an interesting dinner while listening to music
listening to new music
going to shows
the beach
people
walking
spending an hour at a coffee shop just talking with a friend

i need to remember these happy things, because i know there is a lot of unhappiness ahead. joy still abounds, somewhere.

listening: tom waits - rainbirds

hmm. not a whole lot to say, or at least i don't quite feel up to phrasing it.

sunday night was not fabulous. i went to bed and felt like there were bugs crawling on me and i couldn't sleep. i went through two cds and still couldn't sleep. i gave up at 11:30 (one hour and 45 minutes after trying to sleep originally) and emailed my boss that, due to insomnia after a long weekend, i wasn't going to come in monday morning. then i stayed up until one or something, at which point i was tired enough to sleep, and eventually did. there were also several very loud *POP* noises outside my window about 11pm, which woke me the fuck out of some tenuous stage 2 sleep. guh.

i had a test in cogpsy that day at noon, which i probably didn't do amazingly on, but whatever. i have a stats test tomorrow for which i should also prepare a little more than i already have. again, not worried. *shrug*

the bumbershoot schedule is out! i'm excited. still over a month away, but it'll be fantastic. besides musical acts i've already been drooling over (sonic youth, lou reed, the gossip, death cab for cutie, to name a few), i saw that this comedy duo my brother and i saw on comedy central last year and nearly wet ourselves laughing over and still repeat pieces of their act is playing (probably a very quick set, as they are one of three performers in an hourlong show): slovin and allen. man. they were funny on tv with my brother, dude. "turkeyslapper, hamslapper, WE LIKE MEAT!" hehehahah. god. ok. anyway, my brother might come up one of those days and see them. i don't know that he'd be too interested in anything else there, except maybe the other comedy acts, because he could sit around watching comedy all day, i'm sure.

christine came over last night. it was nice to see her again. we don't see a whole lot of each other these days, which sucks. we hung out and talked and ate dinner and then decided we required chilled caffeine and went to espresso roma for a fix. we sat there for a very long time.

also, the most recent track star album is really nice. "and the writer was right: there is hope, just not for us. so it goes."

listening: track star - green to gold

hi. i'm in olympia. i'm leaving in a few hours. becky and her mom are taking me home, after get some lunch and go to ikea. heh. i've never been to ikea. jenny (becky's mom, not my roommate) has taken it upon herself to evangelize me. she had to tempt becky with riding in the carts or bags or something, though, because becky gets bored. i don't think i need anything i can buy at ikea, though. i don't think i need anything at all, unless someone shows me a record store and gives me a million dollars. then i can find all kinds of things i need.

i bought some stuff yesterday. we'll see how i like it when i get it home and throw it on the turntable. mm. two ful lps and two 7"s. yum. and i could have bought so much more. this was at the record store in dumpster values. that place has a lot of good indie stuff in a small space, and it isn't all horrendously overpriced. very nice. but they didn't have blondie's parallel lines, which i now covet. hmm.

my older brother and his wife came up from beaverton last night. everyone has been here. things are weird. i don't really know. my eyes were watering this morning when sua was talking to dad, though. i didn't want my mom to see my cry, so i was trying really hard not to get into it. i don't think she could handle it. i could be projecting, though. can you consciously project? i was never clear on that.

kk was babysitting while my mom was in seattle on friday, so he was here when i got here. i didn't say hi or anything. apparently he was upset that i failed to recognize his presence, but... i dunno. i have a wall. we don't communicate, at all. we exchange words and get nowhere. so it seems like a slippery slope to me to even say "hi" anymore.

i taught kanicka how to make pancakes this morning. she only recently discovered what they were called and loves them. she only had them once before, in the hospital after kahnya was born, and didn't know what they were called until a coworker had them yesterday. she was quite excited to learn how to make them.

i thought i was going to go help my sister move to san francisco, but that looks like it's not going to happen. i think she's going to fly down alone with the bare minimum of stuff, and my mom's friend ("aunt sissy") in oakland will help her out, as will kk, who will be coming back to olympia from new mexico. so. i'm out. the timing's bad, anyway. she moves in two days before i need to be back in seattle for bumbershoot, which is my happy-sane-time. and kevin is coming for that, woo! and maybe other people! i like people. you people have been wonderful to me.

we watched this video my mom spliced together of footage form my dad's big birthday bash last may, which many of his old friends attended, flying in from all over the country. he begins and ends it with a little speech and a song, where he says thank you and "see you later" and these sorts of sentiments, and i think if he weren't sick, they wouldn't make me cry, but they are. somehow death and the prospect thereof makes words take on new meanings, and yet... i still use "dying" as a colloquial expression. i just notice it more. and such other things.

i have like three songs stuck in my head... the spinanes "kid in candy," madonna "bedtime story," and blondie "divine." i kind of want to just go back to dumpster values and give them another $100 (well, i only gave them $20 yesterday) for stuff i want. erf. sadness here seems to result in compulsivity.

i have a lot of things i guess i could say. but. maybe i will later.