some things cannot be adequately portrayed with mere lines of text. it is for this reason that i present to you the Emotional Jumbled Text Moment.

sadfadsf!! sdfjsajdfkiwUEROIJ jkljdafkljsadfkj kjkdjfkjdsfKJJDSFKL SJDFKJjkKJSDKFJJKKJ DJKLkksajjfdklsjdfklajdsfkajdsfkjdsiw d09ewuroisdfkln jnshjhjaf
jkhdsfj
gfd
fds
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asdfdsadsa!!!!
djfklajdsdk?
dsfgsdf sadfw oisu klj uiyoieajka fdgj...

some things i just beyond interpretation and understanding.

some days are better than others... some people are, too.

all i know is that i am home alone with the knowledge of what has happened and have only loud music to keep me company. at least until i have to go to work.

i dunno. more thoughts may follow. who knows, maybe we'll get somewhere new and interesting. nothing like a death in the family to bring on catharsis-leading sorrow.

i feel i should go and be with my mom, or even my aunt, but i can't...


listening: fugazi - life and limb

my cousin jason died this morning. apparently, he shot himself. his father--my uncle--my mom's brother--found him. no one knows why he did it.

but um.

:(

i don't know what to think.

he was the oldest grandson on that side of the family.

i haven't seen him since last summer, i think.

oh my god.

listening: cat stevens - miles from nowhere

i didn't do any reading for history. and i probably won't do any of it before i have to leave for the class around 11:15.

i have been sleeping, doing laundry, bathing, eating breakfast, and waking up.

oh, yes, and writing a nasty note to the boys downstairs because they (well, i assume they did it because we have a lack of other possible suspects) put a paper towel full of what looks like the melted contents of a box of yellow marshmallow peeps on our door, over the doorbell. it is so disgusting. we are not fucking cleaning it up. that's fucked up. fucked the fuck up. gah.

yeah, it's time to get laundry. woo. clean clothes. two whole loads of them. not sure how that happened, since i'm not even out of underwear yet.

i am tired, so i'm just going to put a lyric here, out of laziness.

"i didn't change my mind/ it changed all by itself."

listening: luna - kalamazoo

i just ordered some lps and a 7" from up records. getting on the late boat, but i'm getting some quasi and built to spill and a single from the need. yeah!

then i got in the mood to find some info about kinski, a band i didn't see at bumbershoot but had decided i wanted to, then later came across mp3s of their only album, be gentle with the warm turtle (because, yes, i am an evil pirate), and suddently became curious about what label they were on and the possible existence of other releases. if they have that album on lp, i might buy it. :P

i like music. this selection isn't exactly broadening the selection of my collection, but it should be enjoyable all the same. maybe i'll go look for some hip-hop cds or records this weekend. go spend some quality time down at second time around, take a trip to the other little hole-in-the-wall places that carry pricier but more consistent selections of indie and so forth. yummy.

mm, distortion. much prettiness.

i have nothing to add to life right now, just money to throw at the problem and other peoples' creativity to enjoy.

listening: kinski - new india

i think i want to get a tattoo. it's something i have been drawing on my left ankle on and off for... i don't know, a long time now. and this is a bad photoshop drawing of it. so i'm contemplating that.

i'm sleepy and lazy. (don't you wanna save me?)

so much for being productive! i definitely don't feel like attacking the history reading, and i don't want to go to the lab and type for 20 minutes before i have a meeting with amanda, who is going to teach me what she knows about doing what i am supposed to be doing. i don't remember what that is, exactly, but i guess i will learn. i am probably a very bad 499, but maybe i will soon get into the groove.

(boy, you've got to prove your love to me, yeah!)

life is such a musical.

people have been fucking up with respect to the bathrooms lately. someone left a *floater* in there last week. i was shocked. of course, there is the usual problem with not replacing empty toilet paper rolls, but the thing that disturbs me is the occasional *toilet seat left up* considering i live in a house full of GIRLS. and, no, none of us is so hardcore a feminist or weird enough to learn to pee standing up and do it on a regular basis, so it's not that. it's the male visitors being idiots. sometimes. must hold that thought...anyway, i have been thinking of putting up signs that say, "if you leave a floater, neglect to replace empty toilet paper rolls, or don't put down the toilet seat, you're a heathen, as well as being (to the tune of nat king cole's "unforgettable") 'unacceptable...that's what you areeeee..'" though i suspect this would not have the desired impact, it would be a way to use my most recent song bastardization that amused christine enough that she would go around singing it when we take walks and such.

speaking of idiot male visitors, reid's friend came by this morning at 7:45. or 7:40ish. anyway, he knocked on the door in sets of "BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!!" twice. which was enough to wake me up, but i foolished believed someone else, more sentient at that time of the morning than i, would respond to his urgent pounding. but no. then the doorbell rang. i groaned. then another set of knocks. i got out of bed and sloppily donned a bathrobe. i walked towards the front door, only to see that chris was about 30 seconds faster than me, and the boy was already inside. i whined, "you woke me up!" his unapologetic reply? "oh, sorry." (i realize that the word "sorry" technically should indicate some level of apologeticness, but really, it doesn't. there is tone involved.) irritated, i turned around and went back to bed, trying to sleep as i thought of things to bitch about, and proceeded to have weird dreams until around 10am. sweet, blissful 10am.

listening: carissa's wierd - a bathtile green

this is truly sad. i am too productive for my shirt. (imagine walking down the runway to that tune.)

i'm at work. i had homework to do at work. i finished all of it in the first two hours of being here. it's not yet 3pm, i'm here until 5:30, and i'm done. what the holy heck.

i guess i could do reading. i have a lot of really stupid reading to do for history. it's all e-reserve stuff (meaning it's in the form of pdf files on a secure library server), and technically, we're supposed to print it out and bring it to class, but it's like 40 pages of stuff at least. i just don't feel like monopolizing the printer facilities long enough to do that right now. also, coursepaks suck. seriously. they are the worst thing ever to read, well, not counting microfiche. fortunately, microfiche is a mostly dead art, while pdfs are only growing in popularity. coursepaks are bad enough when they are photocopied booklets obtained from local print shops--pages and pages of two-faced photocopied book text, gaahhh--but when they are pdfs? they make me want to die. after this week, though, we won't be reading the e-reserves and are moving on to ACTUAL BOOKS. i know, what a concept, huh? we had to buy, oh, five goddamned books for the class, but apparently none of them cover the depression or world war ii, so we have to print fucking E-RESERVES.

man. so much anger. how do i manage to maintain the veneer of cool-calm-collectedness when such darkness brews below the surface?

i think fluorescent lighting inspires it. i always start ranting about how i would like to be violent at work. i probably scare my boss, but that's ok.

i'm sleepy and congested. that's way cool. only two and a half more hours before i get to go home, woo ho-- oh.

i just took a call from someone looking for one of my coworkers who isn't even here today, and i got hold music while they connected the call. what the holy hell?

ok, yeah. i'm bored. i have very little to say today. i have been entirely too productive in the homework arena. blah! blah, i say!

a blah on both your houses!!@#

oh yeah, and aja should move to seattle. that is all.

my day since coming home at 5:30 has been relatively entertaining. first i watched an hour of the simpsons in the living room with chris--it's a ritual at this point--followed by making myself dinner and sitting around, making fun of cosmo, with jana and chris. i think at that point i determined i was about 10% below my threshold for exisiting positively and decided not to go to the psych lab (again). i haven't heard from dr. richards since friday, either. hmm.

i think for the past several hours, i have done very little besides sit in here, irk, and listen to music. lots of music. but now i'm on built to spill again so, yes, it just looks like i listen to bts obsessively. which i don't! at all! jeez.

oh, i know what i did. i read 3wa forums and re-took spark tests. yeah. much excitement.

kevin showed me his journal. it's password-protected, so no linkmagic. i like reading other peoples' journals. even when they have not much to say, they say a lot. the style, etc., i mean. people have really idiosyncratic styles when they let themselves; i like to notice that.

i worked on my journalism major application at work today. wrote most of the letter of intent--even came up with a fairly satisfying sentence to describe why i want to double major in communications and psychology: "i not only want to know how to write effectively, i want to know why it is effective." YEAH. check that shit. ok. also jotted down notes for the essay portion of the application. i think i will write a thing about online magazines and other independent, content-driven sites who were previously supported by advertising revenue from banner ads that are getting screwed now because they realize that banner ads are pretty ineffective (hello, blogspot banner ad! nice to see you!). anyway, i think i need to read up on that stuff again, because i don't remember all i once knew, so my essay will be bad until then. anyway.

i also realized a few things: one, my psych lecture has been moved to hitchcock on south campus. now my whole goddamned life is in south campus except on fridays. it's insane. two, due to the number of credits i expect to accumulate by fall quarter, i won't be able to re-apply to the communications major if i fail to get in this time. argh. three, juvenile fiction should not be housed in the health sciences library, and i don't know why the catalog website told this guy who came to the desk to ask me about it that it was.

christine is nuts. around 11pm, she was in here, telling me she didn't want to burp or fart in my room, even though i don't care, as she stood in my doorway flossing. i was giggling at her until she started begging me to take a walk to gasworks RIGHT NOW and how she just felt like partying. then, as she was getting ready to go to bed, turning off lights in the living room just wearing her jeans and a bra, her friends showed up to celebrate her christianity or something. i was a little confused, because she asked them what the party was for, and one girl said, "your period!" hahaha, what the fuck? yeah.

dude. i should, like, sleep, and stuff, now. like, yeah. i wonder if i can sleep to built to spill. guess we shall find out.

listening: built to spill - velvet waltz

i haven't the energy for thoughts beyond words today. i feel completely dulled. i don't know what's wrong with me--this doesn't seem to follow the usual course of events for having a cold--but it isn't fun. i can't even seem to concentrate on food i want to eat or reading anything more complicated than irc scroll. forget committing to a serious conversation with anyone...

this isn't emotional. it isn't a depression. it's physical. but everything is dulled, emotions included. all senses included. proprioception included. ability to sleep and fully wake up. just dulled.

i want to create something that explains this. i want it to be the cure. i want to remember it, and i want it to go away.

i want to sleep.

listening: simon & garfunkel - bleeker street