the workers in this lab are forever vacuuming between the computers. IT'S PAINFUL. wtf, we never have to do that shit in my lab...

so they are coming to install cable tomorrow afternoon. yay!

but that still leaves today.

*stops touching things*

ed came over last night and we watched donnie darko, about which i'd heard good things, but it was still more entertaining than i expected. it is going on the list of movies i'd like to buy.

i need a really basic cookbook. maybe i should go to the bookstores and pick up a joy of cooking or some shit. i think i will do that right after this. i had to rely on the organic baking mix stuff to make pizza crust last night, which is not the best possible pizza crust, in my opinion. it's too sweet and doesn't flatten out enough.

oh, yes. i need to email lindsay and give her my brilliant idea: a milkshake (or frozen yogurt shake) with marionberries and no-pudge brownies. hey, it sounds fucking *brilliant* to me; don't judge. god. bitch.

i am debating going back to safeway to buy sugar, yeast, and frozen yogurt now. it's a difficult decision. i was just up that way to return videos, and going back sounds like a pain, but hey. what the fuck else am i doing with my day?

i should call christine. she called last night while we were watching a movie and asked to go to coffee. i didn't say it then, but: since when does christine like coffee?! hehe. she has to use a calling card to call me. i feel bad about that, but soon i will be ONLINE AGAIN (thus my new title, the Online Avenger! it came free with the exclamation point; i didn't want to say no) and this will NO LONGER BE AN ISSUE!! hurrah!

ok, enough stupid babbling. i might post a bunch of shit when i'm back online at home; i have been writing up a storm.

OH. the stranger is looking for music interns. HELLO, DREAM INTERNSHIP. i am working on a cover letter and trying to figure out what my writing samples should be. i have no idea how that works! i really want this position, though. there is another internship at imdb.com that could be cool, too, but man. the stranger. the one place i thought, "gee, i'd sure like to intern there at some point" when i first started thinking about finding internships. i'd suuuuure like that job. yup, i would.

also, i like fugazi. that is all.

hey, what's up?

yeah, me neither.

...

i feel like i need to have a conversation with the air because my days are so light. i have very little i actually have to do, and yet i'm hardly bored. it's amazing.

oh, hey, chris. i did not mean to be mean about you not coming along yesterday. i think i *was* mean, but i didn't intend to be. i shouldn't continue talking here, though, because i will sound even meaner. dammit. i am a mean person.

there are some people you can spend all your time with and never get bored, and there are some people you just can't, no matter how much you actually enjoy their company. that shouldn't be insulting; it's just fact. right?

sometimes it's hard not to fuck up.

watched things behind the sun this morning. it was good.

christine and graylan came over last night and we had nachos and watched high fidelity, since christine hadn't seen it and had been told by multiple people she should, and i never mind watching that movie. it is love. so many good lines. i will need to capture some of them in audio to use on my radio show.

speaking of which, sammy gave me a crapload more things to add to the list that i haven't yet. thanks, sammy! thanks, everyone. maybe with some of my free time i will go through my music collection and improve the list even more. muahahah. playlists...OF DOOM! oh, shit, i have different copies on my hard drive and on the server. dammit.

i emailed at&t this morning and asked them to call me about scheduling an installation, since i haven't even heard from them that they received my order in the first place. bastards. coming to the lab to check email is a pain! whinebitchmoan.

oh yeah, so.. other stuff in life. monday night my sister graduated from high school, go her. she also has a job this summer. anyone who knows schlotsky's deli in olympia/lacey can go order some complicated sandwich in the evening and trip her up. haha.

the weather is amazing! i should go enjoy it, or something. i made some asian-y noodle salad that i was going to take on a picnic to gasworks, but christine is doing something else. maybe other people would go. maybe i don't want to walk there. who cares.

some guy stole my pen! at least it was one i got for free, but damn. fucker.

mmkay. i don't know what else to say. some girl came to my door this morning and asked to borrow an iron. i said, sorry, i don't have one, and she exclaimed that no one here has an iron! i laughed and told her we all must have wrinkly clothes. it's true in my case, at least. i wonder if anyone will want to borrow a cup of sugar. i wish i had more cookbooks. i feel like baking. i wonder where the sugar is, actually. jenny said she had some, but i have no idea where she would have put it. all her stuff seems to be in this one cupboard, and it's pretty crammed in there. heh. peanut butter and honey cookies sound good, though. mm.

off to turn in my bookstore receipts (i'm in for a $55 refund, woo fucking hoo... stupid thing went down to 8% this year, which doesn't even recoup sales tax) and grab a paper copy of the stranger to read in the privacy of my living room with some music blaring.

i wish my turntable were happy. vinyl is sexy. maybe i will go buy a wilco cd. (yes, i am the kind of girl who likes to hear what the person she likes listens to, if just to understand them a little better in some way. i have gotten into a lot of bands because boys i liked/dated/etc. were into them. it's not *that* pathetic!)

ok, i am now done with the lab. leaving now. really. god, blogging has become my once-a-day irking/aiming substitute. god dammit. people should call me! heh. have fun, guys. i am out once again.

well.

i'm moved now. still don't have net access at home, so i'm posting this from a library computer lab. yayfun.

today is mike's birthday! now he's old enough to consume alcohol in public. yay for mike!

i have only been away from the internet ONE DAY and i already feel alone. well, not really. i wish i could talk to kevin, but irc seems to be the only place to do that, and i am not getting on irk from a lab computer. not counting the win2k box at work. heh. hmm.

i'm all moved in! or at least my shit is. well, there is still one bookcase and the ugly hexagonal coffee table ($8 from goodwill; i intend to use it as the table for my turntable, which doesn't seem to be working happily AT ALL these days) sitting about the house, but other than that... and i've mostly unpacked. many thanks to chris for helping me move AND put furniture together yesterday; he rocks! i owe him big.

anyway. not much is going on. i came to the lab to check mail and other things, and i should be off to run other errands before meeting christine at 2:30. yay for christine! she can use the internet now because she has both a phone line and a modem, where i do not. sigh. yay for labs, or whatever.

see you all...out there.

ok, so.. my sister came in during the middle of that last entry and i never got back to writing it. i'm not really in the mood now. suffice it to say that moving was a gigantic pain in the ass, but shit is in there, i'll be back tuesday with furniture and hopefully enjoy setting up house, etc.

i'm having trouble mustering enthusiasm for much of anything lately. i don't really want to see my friends, or really talk, or do anything. i can't sleep and i can't concentrate on stuff. a lot is going on, i guess.

my dad is really sick. he's had cancer for a few years now, but it alwasy seemed to be at a fighting point. it may be coming to the time that it can't be fought any longer. there is a tumor in his chest that's affecting vital organs in there that isn't responding to treatments like the other tumors, and he can't do chemo anymore because chemo has withered away the bone marrow. there are some other, more experimental and dangerous, things they can try, and dad is a fighter, he researches and wants to try everything. but if that doesn't work... as he said it, it could be a very short summer. there are purple bruises all over his body and his face looks swollen, somehow like a chipmunk, and his attitude makes me think of this poster of a crane swallowing a frog entitled, "never give up!" it's admirable, but gruesome.

i have never been so terrified... i don't know what to do or say or think or feel. i probably need to cry, or something, but it isn't coming yet. i feel very anti-social, because what can i say? people are very transient distractions, and that seems to hurt even more. i just feel guilty when i brush them off, but i don't want their pity or their forced emotions. i know they care, but i don't know what they can do. i don't know what i can do. i don't know what anyone can do.

this is such a stark contrast to a week ago, when life just felt exquisite, even if for only awhile. and i wish there were some way to let that feeling enter my life so that it might help guard against that really awful bad stuff, but you can't do that. you have to do that for its own reasons, and that would be painful itself. i dunno.

i'm being cryptic about other stuff. yeah. because i'm stupid. and lately i can only feel, and i'll probably have a nice happy triggered depressive episode.

i just know things can never be normal again. i'm sitting here at the keyboard and typing, like always, but my family is walking around silently going about their business, and i know the fear and dread is in each other faces, i can see it in their eyes.

i feel like such shit. anyway.

listening: radio - cat's in the cradle

7am on a sunday morning. i went to bed after midnight (waiting for some laundry to dry), totally exhausted, and woke up about an hour ago. what is with this not-sleeping-well shit? i just wake up too early. there's probably a special name for that. if there is one thing i learned in abnormal psych (though i am sure there is more than one thing i learned in that class), it's that nearly everything has a special name.

i suppose i'll get used to it, considering my new 7am work schedule and all. yay.

i'm back in olympia now until tuesday morning. at that point, we're going to take things like furniture (my bed, bookshelves, whatever else) to my new place. as it is, i don't even have the proper stuff to sleep there. i was able to unpack the kitchen and that's nearly usable--for me--but i didn't even have a mattress to move, so it would've been sleeping on the floor for me, and...suck that with a long wooden stick, you know? besides, i can do thrifting down here, and spend time with family, which i don't actually do that often. my mom checked the calendar and the last time i came "home" was the end of april. that's a long time ago!

moving is such a complete fucking hassle. here is the saga of my saturday:

woke up at 5. unable to get back to sleep until well after my white-noise attempts (my bloody valentine at a low volume counts!) failed to lull me into sleep. even so, slept only until 7:30, at which point, i had expected my parents to call. called them instead, took a shower, tried to finish packing. all i had to eat was a frozen milky way midnight bar i had stashed in there yesterday after my quick run to deposit a check that ended with another quick trip into the conveniently-located safeway ("rrrrealchangema'am? thank you, have a great day!") to buy a beverage (what? no unsweetened, chilled, bottled iced tea? fuck you, then, i'll have a strawberry lemonade. mm, odwalla) and ending up with chocolate and more gum. mm, gum. hey, i was almost out. gum is handy.

my parents arrived around 8:40, before i had managed to pack everything properly. the system devised for transporting goods was as follows: i bring down stuff to the bottom of the stairs. mom hauls it to the car. dad watches the car, since he can't carry anything heavy. i will talk more about dad later, just so you know. this method resulted in me making more trips up and down the two flights of stairs between the ground floor and my apartment than i'd care to count, though i probably should have. unlike watching stair-step exercise videos in high school p.e., i actually managed to do this with a proper rhythm. the entire process maybe took an hour, especially after my aunt showed up, and including the 10-15 minute interlude wherein the place was inspected by a CA and i was checked out. he gave me until 11:15 to turn in my keys at the terry front desk, and mind you this is at 9:40, but hold that thought!

my aunt was impressed that i managed to pack things well enough that they actually fit in the van and were manageable--unlike last fall--though both she and my parents say they are never helping me move again. mom says i am required to get a boyfriend with a car before i can move again. heh. we got everything out, i said goodbye to jana, and we left in two separate cars. my dad went with my aunt to his friend's house, and my mom came to wait outside terry for me to turn in keys. this was the first mistake.

the line inside terry was ridiculously long. a hundred kids all converged on that fateful first floor to turn in keys and fill out a change of address form, a process you'd think wouldn't take more than, oh, a minute, right? apparently not. at first, only two people were working the desk, resulting in a line that extended well into the winding hallway near the cafeteria. i spotted christine somewhere in the middle of the line, and she told me she'd been waiting half an hour so far. i ended up waiting about an hour and a half (to christine's total hour) for what took me thirty seconds to complete. can we say, STUPID? of course, they also grabbed two or three more desk workers, but still. wow. stupid. at this point, i hadn't eaten more than that candy bar, chewed a piece of gum, and drank a cup of water, so i was quite jittery and exhausted. i am not a fun person to be around when i have low blood sugar. my mom took what felt like forever to pick me up and we did stuff in the u-district for awhile. we ate at pepe's, checked out the farmer's market, and went to trader joe's to buy some of my desired dry goods. (a girl needs her toasted sesame oil and whole wheat couscous, dontchaknow?)

while perusing the frozen foods aisle of tj's, jenny called me. there had been a complication in our move-in plans. blast, they were foiled again: the guys moving out of our apartment were waiting to move into another apartment up the street which had not been completely vacated by the morning, so they weren't able to move until after 10. this put a slight damper on our need to move in at 4, since they were scheduled to clean it between 12 and 4. we decided to meet at that time, anyway, and put some pressure on them to get things moving. or something. my aunt would decidedly come in handy here.