i was productive today for exactly three hours. from 11:30 to 2:30, i was a busy girl. i attended classes (both of which decided to be held outdoors to enjoy the beautiful weather), then picked up my paycheck, walked up the ave to look for a book (ray kroc's autobiography for my history paper), deposit said paycheck, and get some groceries. having done all these things, i felt very accomplished for one day.

then i sat down and proceeded to do almost exactly nothing for the rest of the day. not good.

i am bored fucking shitless because i didn't even try to make plans. i talked to my mom earlier in the evening and forgot about my small pot of brown rice, which was left on the burner for, oh, 45 minutes. needless to say, there was much swearing and nasty burnt rice crunchies at the bottom.

tomorrow i have no plans, either. there are a couple shows i'd like to see (dj spooky at the emp for $15, the sweet science at the theater off jackson for some reasonable sum), but i don't really have anyone to go with me, so...that sucks. they're not at places i'd especially like to go by myself on the bus (seattle center and international district, respectively), so that's not really an option. and i *should* be working on my stupid paper, though i have approximately no desire to do so right now. i hope i will tomorrow at work. that would be handy.

actually. i tried to order tickets to see the sweet science show on ticketweb.com and something fucked up. they don't have my order, but the charge is on my account. i need to get that fixed. their faq says even without a confirmation number, the banks can hold the funds for up to five days, but it's been more than that. i just hate calling people to tell them they're fucking me over, because i assume they are going to think i'm lying and i will have to prove myself to get that $56 back (i ordered some webley tickets, too, though prematurely). anyway, sounds like a monday activity or something. it would be nice if the online bank statement were remotely accurate with keeping up with charges and all that.

i hate money.

my mom soothed some of my concerns with life, though. as for money, she said we'd take care of everything, i just need to tell her when and how much, and she'd be there, transferring funds or writing checks as appropriate. thank god for my mom (and dad, though mom is the one who directly does that stuff). she also explained the long-winded plan to get me moved which involves tickets to the symphony for my brother and dad, some old family friends, and a uhaul with my mattress and bookcases. at first i thought she was going off on some weird schizophrenic-type tangent, but it did eventually all tie together. my mother is, really, quite sane. as sane as anyone who raised me possibly could be. she probably soothed some other concerns, too... and she apologized for making me forget about my rice. heh!

carly had a party tonight without informing us beforehand or inviting us to join her (and by us, i mean the few people still home at the time--chris and i, and graylan), which kind of bugs me. i don't feel like i can actually complain to her about it, but that is irritating. not that i think i need to be in on every social gathering at the harem, but i would like to know when such events are planned to take place in my living room/kitchen.

i'm really tired. i have been snacking a disgusting amount today. maybe tomorrow i will make shrimp pad thai for dinner. ooh yes. that sounds good. pr0n thai noodles. yummy. but yes, i really need to limit my access to snackables, or at least buy more "alternative" snacks like i used to, such as grapes and baby carrots. raisins were good for awhile, too. mm. they are much better for me than the evil that is the box of snacks containing m&m's, pecan sandies, milk duds, and we have already decimated the butterfinger bb's, peanut m&m's, and chocolate flips. fuuuuck. good thing i don't like potato chips.

let's see, what else is going on in life. lindsay made me an awesome dinner last night. i love lindsay. blue cheese in quesadillas is amazing.

i feel like i'm waiting on the edge of something big that i can't feel yet, or i'm going to miss it. i'm sure i'm going to miss it. there is so much inside of me that i can't seem to make come out. i'm not talking emotions, necessarily, but definitely creative output. i keep telling myself it'll work its way out somehow, if i take such and such class or take time to do this thing... but either i don't have time for those things or it seems like i don't or i just never do them anyway. i feel very withdrawn from people lately, somehow. like i've insulated myself, slowly but surely. a regrouping of sorts, trying to evaluate what i want, and maybe hurting some people in the process. i know how to say no to things, but not people. hmm. there are a lot of half-baked thoughts in here.

beh.

listening: the beatles - you know my name (look up the number) [anthology version]

i will blog briefly about life and so forth and why i am feeling a little stressed out. it will be over soon.

first there is the paper that is due next friday but which i should have nearly completed wednesday afternoon, since that is my last chance for free laser printing. unless i came into work randomly, which might not be really cool of me at all. i do not have nearly enough research for this paper, though i do have the basic ideas and know what i need to find. this weekend will be dedicated to finding it.

second is the psych lab, which is not a major stressor, but i am not putting in my hours (though it doesn't seem like jane cares all too much?) because all i have to do is scanning and that is both tedious/boring/annoying and limited to one computer that tends to be in use when i go in. so yay.

third is money. i am always worried about money. perhaps today more than usual. i will make a list of my future expenses and it should help. i also keep wanting to buy things i don't actually need but really really want, mostly music. mmmm, music. always needing more.

fourth is people. several things in particular but nothing i wish to discuss. they are all little things, they just build. yeah. both good and bad stressors.

fifth is not being such a lazy fucking bum and eating properly and getting at least a little exercise and not eating so fucking much junk food. carly's box will be the death of me.

sixth is moving. have not a fucking clue how that is going to work yet. yippy fantangle-skippy.

i have no idea where the fantangle part came from, but it popped into my head and i thought i'd use it.

and now i should go deal with life as it presents itself to me.

oh oh, go read becky's lj. she has been writing a lot of crazy good stuff. unlike me. really! i love you, becky! :)

listening: unwound - summer freeze

*pokes blogger yet again*

hiiiii there, hot stuff! y'wanna post some shit for me? that's what i thought!

listening: bjork - venus as a boy

[reza] thou shalt not fuck with me ... or I'll BARBEQUE YOU.

(make your own weird lego doll. link from /usr/bin/girl)

and while i'm playing weblog, go support some internet radio.

some days, the world can't decide whether the flowers are blooming or the petals are wilting away.

it's feeling a lot like spring, with the sky being moody from tears to sun and life randomly possessing people to pursue love, break up, reconsider, or otherwise lament their state of romantic affairs. this bears out even on television, which should be a bastion of fiction.

i have no idea what my point here is.

gilmore girls was depressing. what the fuck kinda season finale was that shit, pulling the "oh, lorelai and chris together after all these years, how fucking NEAT!" card, then PULLING IT AWAY SO FAST WE GET A FUCKING PAPER CUT with the "girlfriend back in boston is pregnant and i don't want to make the same mistake i made with you and run away as soon as a kid is involved" card at the very end! just so lorelai can continue her troublesome friendship with luke, i suppose. no use anyone being fucking HAPPY on this show; the witty dialogue would go away. and luke being a fucking pushover with jess and RORY KISSING HIM WHEN PEOPLE COULD SEE, wtf. yes. i still watch this show. i don't know why. it is the show of many wtf's.

and i have to wait two weeks for six feet under! YOU BASTARDS!!

well, yes. now that the soap opera digest portion of my blog has concluded, we can move on to the randomness of my thought processes and daily life. or lack of randomness, really.

i finally tried agua verde today for lunch. it was delicious. i had no idea that grilled halibut would work in a taco. and i got a drink that was pineapple lemon lime. oh man. yum. oh man oh man. and lindsay is surprising me with food thursday night. i don't know what the entree will be, just the dessert is going to be mexican chocolate sorbet with banana or something. which sounds amazing.

i have been extremely bad about food lately. eating total crap. my zucchini got prematurely moldy, then my grapes before i even got around to eating them. there is a box of sinful delights in the living room that we've all been picking at for a week now, much to our diets' dismay. or at least mine. eating too much junk becomes a really awful habit, and i get increasingly lazy and sedentary and actually feel worse, in general, but part of that could also be hormonal stuff (yay, approaching menstruation), which is always the most exciting thing ever for my gastrointestinal tract. i need my whole wheat back, my grape snacks, my vegetables. oh, bless you, vegetables. i wish my zucchini didn't rot. next time i go shopping, i will fix this. i will fix it all! and the junk has got to go. bleh.

maybe i just need to start chewing gum again. it's an unattractive habit, yes, but it also keeps my mouth busy so i don't compulsively snack all the fucking time. because i really do not need that.

my ideas for my paper are slowly coming together. i really must remember to turn in a library book tomorrow, or get it renewed. i'm not sure it will be all that helpful. i need to find ray kroc's autobiography and some legitimate primary sources detailing the work conditions and such at fast food restaurants in the u.s. (there is a lot of relevant info on mcspotlight.org, but it's all uk-based, which doesn't really help me with my thesis, which revolves around the idea of the american dream, and wouldn't seem appropriate for a *u.s.* history class.)

eh, this entry isn't really done, but i seem too distracted to write anything further.

listening: luna - dizzy

*pokes blogger contemptuously*

why is it that, on the directions on a bottle of shampoo, they always mention that it works best to follow said wash and rinse with BRAND NAME(R) conditioner? would all hell break loose if it didn't list the brand name? would all the conditioning women and men of the world suddenly have a breakthrough, "my GOD! all this time, i didn't have to be using a conditioner of the same brand as my shampoo!" causing mass panic and more and more people would chase the BRAND X wash with a BRAND Y condition?

these are the things i ponder in the shower. that, and why does my super-yummy-smelling lavender and rosemary soap get a thick, fatty residue that falls off and sticks to the inside of the soap box? oh, and when the hell is reid going to pick up that hairball that i dragged away from the drain with my toe because it was starting to clog it, i know it's mostly her hair because i deal with mine and jana's hair is much lighter? at any rate, ew.

i found out yesterday that i get to be a dj in the fall. yay! that will be massive amounts of fun. i hope the station is a success and all. people better start helping me hear more and more and MORE music so i have a huge selection of ideas for my mix tapes for the masses!

i am listening to beck. this cd ripped *really* poorly. i need to do things now.

listening: beck - derelict

yay my back is kinda better. stupid, stupid back.

i'm not sure if i will be going out in a canoe today with christine, though. it's still sore, but not actively trying to kill me, so i don't want to push it back to the roaring death stage. i think i'll just not push it by confining my activities to strenuous laundry and streetfair-walking, followed by a little six feet under (second to last episode of the season! gasp!).

i have been listening to such a crapload of cat stevens lately. it's kind of unnerving. i wish i had the money to blow on more music, cos it might snap me out of it, not that it's a truly *awful* kick.

i got three more luna albums from sammy. mm, luna is goood. i am looking forward to seeeeeing them. and jason! and hanging out with kevin and sammy! (though i think more with kevin, which will be much fun.) i wanna go see the beach at night. maybe it'll make me write poetry that doesn't make me want to throw myself at the ocean.

actually, if i were to go to a record store and buy one thing right now (though i usually can't escape without at least three items), it'd be cat stevens' mona bone jakon. heh.

gee, my life doesn't revolve around music or anything.

i swear i've been thinking deeper thoughts lately than the blog has let on. change approaches. i should get my act together.

my last night was kinda crummy. i stayed up until 12:35 to watch margaret cho's i'm the one that i want on sundance, and i started falling asleep halfway through. i woke up as it was ending, though--nothing like joan jett's "bad reputation" to yank me out of a drifting slumber--and could not get comfortable, could not force myself to sleep, for the longest time. it sucked. then i woke up at 8ish. yay. oh well, i'm too awake now to make another go of the sleep thing, and there's laundry downstairs.

i have literally nothing to say here. ah well. it'll come back someday.

listening: cat stevens - i wish, i wish