funny.

i need a video camera, i've decided. i've always wanted to film things.

but not in that fucking cliche american beauty beautiful-plastic-bag-in-the-wind way. jesus.

today i went for a walk with kk way out in the middle of nowhere, at this wildlife preserve that was once an industrial area on one of the inlets around here. i loved to watch the way the water moved... so rhythmic, but always changing. everything about the water area there was beautiful and quietly musical... except for the fucking jetskiis. what a way to ruin the whole fucking environment. those fucking selfish water sport bastards.

see? pent up anger. FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK! woo! i can swear! aren't i cool!

that's enough blog.

i am angry.
so angry i shall be.

everyone is on my nerves and wearing me out. it's not that i don't want to talk to you, it's just that i have little to say. and i am angry at life for being stupid. yes, it's stupid. fucking stupid life. i'm not jealous of people or needing people or whatever... i'm just tired. and bored. and everyone else is jealous and needy. well, that's not fair... but dammit, i'm tired of being fair. i've been playing fair and honest and nice for months now, and it's very hard to keep up. the exterior is starting the crumble because the infrastructure is weak. i'm young.

i don't believe in drama and i am sick of emotion. i'm tired of projection and longing and misplaced desire. i have a deep-seated hatred of confusion and a strong need for good old-fashioned lust.

people all tell me different things, nothing i can or should say to the others. i get mixed messages and internal confusion. i get entertainment mixed up with passing time, joy messed up with sorrow until i don't feel anything at all. i feel hints and memories and shadows of intimacies held near and dear, but now lost in the shuffle somehow.

and so i'm angry. i don't know how else to be. it's a quiet anger that will quietly disperse, perhaps in the form of welled-up tensions turning to stomach ulcers, perhaps in the form of meaningless acquaintances and casual sex, perhaps in the form of directed socio-political activism, perhaps in the form of some outlet i have yet to discover.

i just know that i don't want to be a cliche, and i refuse to be boxed in. if i see standards, i will avoid them. i live for myself now. i am concerned with others' well-beings, but tired of being so intimately involved. it's hard to keep that up. it's hard to be rational.

it's hard to feel human right now.