here are some photos from my trip to san jose that i took on a shitty disposable camera actually turned out decently well. i didn't scan them all, just some that turned out ok and showed the beautiful people i saw. maybe later i will scan the couple of random beach imagery shots that turned out well, but didn't seem quite worth scanning.

in other news, chris and i had a chat last night and decided to just be friends (no, really, i think) and stuff, cos going out just felt awkward and not quite right. at any rate, get to know each other as friends right now. so that's that.

this conversation was followed by crepes night, playing pictionary, and not getting enough sleep. i have never had such fun playing pictionary, although reid and i lost. christine's friend jen, who is currently living in a triple, might move in with us. that would be cool. she came over to play pictionary and fit in quite well.

i've started to think that i swear too much. i probably do. i have just found my speech increasingly peppered with "fucks," "fuckings," "jesus," etc. danger would make some remark anytime i used christ's name in vain last night, god bless his christian heart. not to belittle the christians or anything. kk used to do that, too, actually, and he isn't even remotely christian. i'd say, "jesus!" and he'd say, "where?!" at least it made me notice when i said it a lot. i wish someone would do that for "like." for EVERYONE. but especially me. LIKE MUST DIE.

*blink blink*

i'm still sick and brain dead. i think i am seeing my parents after work today, though. christine said i should bring them by the apartment and she would swear at the nintendo for them.

i have had sammy's really old botd "lazy" stuck in my head for DAYS. i run around the kitchen singing, "ohhhhh, i'm wicked and i'm laaaayyyzayy.. ohhh-ohhhh! don't you wanna saaayyyyveee meeee?" like i could even approach imitating david byrne. well, actually, with this cold, my voice gets almost deep enough to try. not really, of course. it would be cool to be david byrne, though. cooler than being john malkovich.

i had two weird dreams last night. well, this morning. the vast majority of my sleep took place in the morning, i think, though i wish more of it had occured, in general.

one. i was with my family (minus my sister, i think) in some relatively high-up hotel room in seattle somewhere. we were taller than most of the immediately surrounding buildings. we were looking out our windows and watching planes fly around. some were flying kind of low; we just figured it was due to our proximity to the airport. one of them, though, was this crazy-big plane--it looked like a truck--and there were sparks flying from it. i watched it as it crashed a few miles from us. there was a thunderous sound and what felt like an earthquake from the impact. my parents, who hadn't been watching, said, "what was that?" and i told them. there was also an audible gasp from all the people in the streets below. we kept trying to watch the news to see what was going on, but there was nothing on any of the channels about it.

two. i was visiting my parents. we were going to go somewhere and i started complaining about my hair, i guess. next thing i know, i'm looking in the mirror, knowing it's at least several hours later, and i realize they have cut my hair with BANGS. i started shrieking. "i haven't had bangs since i was 12! i hate bangs! why is my hair in bangs! what the hell happened?!" my sister told me that the stylist was very firm about how i should look. i told her i didn't remember even going to the stylist. so i spent the rest of the dream bitching at inappropriate times about how they have cut my hair into bangs and, oh, woe is me, i hate bangs, haven't had them since i was 12.

i have dark circles under my eyes that, if any darker, may open portals to hell.

listening: neil young & crazy horse - cowgirl in the sand

i'm sick. i left work early yesterday (which i've never done) just because i felt so awful. i thought it was just allergies. then i went to bed and, oh, how it got worse. i was not really sleeping last night at all. it sucks! now i'm all feverish and achy. christine told me i looked like i had a hangover, because when i emerged from my room once to get more water and her and crystal were at the table, i was wearing sunglasses, a bathrobe, and purple lounge pants. i skipped class. that's bad. i haven't gone to the psych lab yet because i have been sick. that's bad. the only good thing i can think is that, if i am just sick, i will get over it, unlike having really shitty allergies all season. but wow, do i ever feel like shit now. erf.

boo hoo, pity me, wah wah. yeah, ok. slipping back into relative obscurity...

listening: built to spill - bad light

in butter knife-related news...
(link thanks to obscure store.)

listening: neil young & crazy horse - running dry (requiem for the rockets)

some people browse old photos. some read their diary. still others call up an old friend to reminisce about times gone by and faces not quite forgotten. me, i read my email.

i am hesitant to speak of a number of people who are, for whatever reasons, no longer in my life, out of some respect for their privacy, but mostly my own fear they will someday resurface, read my blog, and be totally pissed off that i said x about them. which seems reasonable enough. i haven't been good about preserving anonymity for the characters in my life enough to start now; i don't think this is well-read enough by strangers to merit such concern. first names only, at least, though my own last name isn't exactly a well-kept secret.

in some other ways, i feel i should protect my past from my present and future, as if the two are oil and water. some things of the past deserve to remain so; others should be allowed to breathe. it can be difficult to know where to draw that line.

my email, while not my primary method of communication with close friends, has been its share of vital correspondence. today, at work, i browsed the archives briefly, stopping to remember those i oncee held dear, and one i never got to know well enough.

first there were the limbo emails from kk. these were from the time after my visit to mike in september, but before he put me on ignore on irc. in one, he expressed deep love and affection towards me, lamenting that we could not be together then, but reaffiriming that what we had was good (only he wrote in present tense). sometimes it makes me sad that i can so easily forget why and how i felt emotions for him, too, even if the timing was off. and i wonder, does emotion come in an unlimited supply, or does it get expelled in a cycle--albeit one have yet to properly track--like ovum, and only if these are fertilized at the right time will they grow and develop? i worry that i am at the wrong point in my cycle to become pregnant again with such rich emotion for another person.

and then there was the email, dated 30 may 2001, from my high school ex. i'm not sure i've ever mentioned him by name here, despite the subject certainly coming up. he had read my old journals and took it upon himself to dispense 'advice' for me--without mentioning me by name (a mistake he knew better than to repeat)--in his own online journal. at the time, i was for too angry and upset--not sure those are the right labels for how i felt at the time--to return his presumptuousness with a website hit. today, however, i did. i found the entry and read it. and i'm not really sure how much of it was really about me, because most things, of course, are about him, interacting with some representation of me (maybe plato was right...). it didn't make me upset this time.

i also came across the emails of a friend i met only once, but whose writings and conversation i always enjoyed. i have been wondering what he's up to, where he went... and so, tried to email him.

mail returned: no such user here.

and i wonder how many such emails have been sent to me, if i have any long-lost friends, our contact info broken by a barrage of streaming data and change in isp. and how many more will there be? it is times like this i remember i am only one of so many grains of sand...

i'm at work for the fourth day in a row. i'm feeling a little batty because of it. there are a lot of things i should be doing--errands to run, etc.--and i'm at work. well, work is work, anyway. there are worse places to be, for sure.

but i really want a cookie. i'm having a cookie emergency. i have an apocryphal cookies and cream clif bar in my backpack, but i am not sure that would be adequate. i want a cookie or some robin's eggs. ohhh, easter candy. i want some easter candy. chocolate and malted milk, mmm. i'm not falling off the wagon; i'm just riding in the back of it with my hair dragging in the mud.

i need to obsessively listmake for a moment: things to do this week--associate self with schedule and learn its treacherous rhythms. meet with dr. richards. deposit paycheck. buy easter candy on sale. get film developed. pick up and complete journalism application. do homework stuff, i guess. make sure i have all the necessary textbooks and supplies. hang out with roommates and friends and do enjoyable things with my free time! like buying records...mmmm, records...i need more records...*drool* ...ahem. oh yes, and begin the house/apartment search. 2-3 bedrooms, in or very damned near the u district, not too expensive but not to shabby, available in june. it can be done! i think i will be living with reid and (i hope!) aja, though neither are absolute certainties. i don't want to live with more than three other people. that's the what. yeah. so there's the list. yay for my week.

i ate soup at the south campus center today after class. it was ok. i kept wanting to ask them not to do these terrible things like using a shitload of oil or dumping a handful of crispy (read: fried) wonton wrappers on top or almost filling the little container with broth so it is both difficult to carry and tongue-burning. but hey, they are the cooks, i didn't want to be a bitch and interfere. meh. next time i'm definitely getting the salad.

#n00n has a project lately, started by rob and aja, called bop of the day (botd). if you frequent #n00n and haven't already gotten in on this wonderful thing, quit being silly and listen and contribute! (just ask in the channel for the inf0z.)

i had one class this morning: history of the americas since 1940, though we are actually starting by talking about the great depression. the prof felt it necessary to justify spending class time on something that is *before* the time the course is supposed to cover, but it makes sense to me, even pre-explanation. there was a depression, then there was a big war. you can't just skip from one to the other without a lot of crazy issues. anyway, the class might not totally suck--i think i may even have fun with the research paper, if i give myself the time to actually get into it--and it is madly convenient to work. yay.

i'm looking forward to starting abnormal psych tomorrow. my boss told me that he took that class when he was in school and that students in it are likely to fall prey to med student disease. i knew it. i am kind of looking forward to it. it should be a good experience, the game of self-diagnosis until you're completely insane... ahhh. hee. but then again, maybe i will be able to keep a level head. we shall see!

jesus, i haven't been here that long, and i am already counting the seconds. that's bad. i just want to go home and try to get something productive done with my day, as if attending class and working weren't just that. heh.

stuck in my head: the hangovers - suspicion

ohhh, the novelty of vinyl has yet to wear off. listening to patti smith group's easter lp right now. it's playing on MY turntable which is sitting to the right of my monitor. and it IS easter! heh.

yeah, i think the risen christ would listen to this record.

it's a beautiful day. i wonder if anyone would take a walk to gasworks with me. i would like to use my last disposable camera shot on a picture of seattle from across lake union. i think chris is gone, though, and jana's reading. no one else is home! the place feels empty, somehow, with two people moved out and only one to replace them.

but yeah. i think later i need to take a walk. but for now...

listening: patti smith group - privilege (set me free)