a lot has changed in the past twelve hours, or something.

first of all, the interview went as well as i hoped. i got the imdb internship. i'm kind of excited. this should be rather cool. :)

i am going to olympia for the day. ed is being so extremely and ridiculously kind as to drive me, for no other reason than he is so kind. he has no other business in olympia. so. that's really nice of him! i figure i need to run errands for mom (she said something about picking up menus from restaurants they like so people can bring them stuff when they ask to "help out") and he can tag along for that and see the town, then i can point him in the direction of priest point park or something for a few hours and just be with family. i am sure there will be dinner, then home. i don't really have it that planned out, and i hope i don't get him too bored or annoyed, but he did offer, and i appreciate it so much. anyway.

i went and got coffee with chris yesterday afternoon after a 20 minute nap to remove the sleepies from my eyes--i got a tall for the first time in ages; i've been getting shorts for quite awhile now--and then we went to safeway and to the park near his house with swings and sat on the swings for a long time. i was wearing my red silk jacket, and he tried to film random things. we parted ways after 7 on the "i'd totally do bjork, but that doesn't make me a lesbian" note, to which he told me, "come back when you're a socialized american male, and we'll talk."

when i got home, two things immediately broke the facade of happy and reminded me how life is annoying in every stupid way to discount all the happy.

first, jenny was home. with her boyfriend. i didn't know he was coming. this in itself is not so depressing, but, you know, roommate gettin' some, i'm not, meh. heh. then i looked at the computer and saw that kevin said he can't come to bumbershoot (later explanation: work stuff), which *really* made me sad because, duh, i was kind of really looking forward to seeing him.

so the lesson is, i need to learn to not let my happy hopes for the future depend on other people. almost every time i've had fun it was because of something *i* made happen and didn't have to totally rely on other people, because they will almost always fuck it up. ok, that's awfully bitter of me, and i don't mean it in a personal-attack way, but it's true.

expectations are a bitch. it's much better when people can surprise me.

anyway. then i did something i'd been planning to do for awhile and finally got the psychotic-enough urges to get around to it. jenny lent me her haircutting scissors, and after her and alex left for the weekend, i took over the bathroom and chopped it off. it was quite fun and crazy. i laughed at myself in the mirror because i was CHOPPING OFF MY OWN HAIR, AM I NUTS?! evidently not entirely, because i rather like it. it's about chin length, and i dyed it blood red again. so it's quite sexy. i also managed to not stain absolutely everything in the process. pictures tonight, i hope.

i went back to chris' place after 10 and we went to this crazy french 60s spy flick called modesty blaise at the grand illusion, which made the first trip there for both of us. it's a cool little theater, very small, but the seats are mad uncomfortable. the movie was ricockulous and fun. i adore bad movies.

anyway, it's almost 7, and i got about five hours of sleep because my body SUCKS, so i need to eat and shower and maybe go to the farmer's market and stuff.

listening: track star - goodbye to the dream

ugh. getting to olympia and back on the weekend sucks. i could go tonight, probably... but i don't know that i want to. that's a lot of bussing and i plan to nap this afternoon. also, unless someone is able to pick me up in downtown olympia, i will also have to take a bus from downtown to my parents' neighborhood, which i doubt is all that bad, but still. that would be four buses in one evening and i would be cranky.

i looked into greyhound. still have to bus to downtown seattle and from downtown olympia, and it'll cost me $15.25 for the privilege. fuck that. i hate greyhound.

there are no buses from olympia to tacoma on sunday except greyhound, and i can't be out monday.

mom said i could get a ride with dad's old friend, but uh. i don't really want to spend a couple hours in the car with that guy. he's not creepy or anything, gosh, but he'd bug me and/or piss me off.

anyone want to make a day-trip to olympia sometime this weekend and give me a ride? :P

i woke up five minutes before my alarm today after going to bed kind of late and not falling asleep for about an hour, and somehow, i'm not collapsing at the desk. of course, by noon, i'm going to be completely dead, but that's ok. i have time to nap.

yesterday was an interesting day. i paid my $20 late drop fee (arrgh, it costs more to not take a class than it does to take it) and went to class, which was thoroughly exciting!!! only, you know, not. i was going to pick up my paycheck but decided it was too early and i didn't want to walk all the way up the ave to deposit it.

this dude with some really funky hair just walked in. i've seen him before, but i don't think i was paying attention to the sheer funkitude of his hair until now. it's very flaxen, right, and shiny. i can't tell if it's a bizarrely styled combover or if he just *likes* to swoosh it all forward from the back and have it kind of curve around in this kinda shiny 50s do. anyway, it looks totally weird.

oh, yeah. i think i am a bit spacy with the lack-of-sleep thing. and the thinking-too-much thing, but that's pretty much a constant in my life. well, so is lack of sleep, i guess.

anyway, i had an interview for the imdb internship today, which i think went pretty well. i should get a call this morning and find out whether or not i get the internship. the people who interviewed me were cool, and it seems like it'll be a good experience. i felt a little more confident about it than i have in other interviews, i think mostly because it's stuff i already know a little about. i mean, i'm a computer-savvy person who knows a bit about editing and researching (hello, i'm a student! comes with the territory) and i am a movie fan who's familiar with the site. i will eat my words soon enough if i *didn't* get it, but it seems like i have a decent chance. and if not, shit. it's an eight-week unpaid internship. surely other miserable bitch experiences will come my way to further decorate my resume.

i got home around 4--finally got to get off the bus at that stop right across from my house, neat! yay for express lanes--and made chocolate zucchini bread. well, first i had to defrost the frozen mound of shredded zucchini i made the night before (in my room. i took a large bowl, four zucchinis, and a cheese grater into my room and closed the door. i am so weird), but the making of bread occurred soon after that, and it was good. mmm, chocolate bread containing squash. mmmm.

around 8, i must've been sounding pretty...unhappy on irk, because chris offered to come over with a movie. this was quite nice of him (and needed, actually) and he came over and we had tea and zucchini bread and talked. jenny came home and we watched so i married an ax murderer until well past my bedtime, but it was worth it.

today i need to figure out how/when/if i am going to olympia at all this weekend. i probably should. things sound not great with my dad. i don't know what i can do to be helpful besides show up, i guess. my fingernails are taking a lot of damage lately.

here comes the part i may regret posting.

this is just a lament. this is not a cry for volunteers.

lately, i have felt very disconnected from my fellow human beings. certainly this is related to the unpleasant things to which i have alluded earlier in this entry and what the folks following at home already know. ("takes strength to laugh when god is dying, too.") i'm not normally a very touchy-feely person. i seldom hug most of my friends, and even then, they are brief and almost feel stilted to me. i don't know why; it's just not my thing to be warm that way. not that i dislike it, i just don't...do it, i guess. i guess i could overanalyze and say that physical familiarity leads to physical dependency which becomes emotional necessity to me, on some level(s).

i miss touch. not just friend-hugs, but you know. being held. i miss it a lot. and it's hard to get without adding a bunch of other awkwardness into the equation, and i don't have anywhere to get it right now, immediately, or whatever, where such awkwardness is already established and workable.

it isn't even a sex thing, though it could lead to that, i'm sure. but right now, all i want is to be held, touched, whatever.

and that's fucking lame.

i hate stuff.

time to do some writing (in a NOTEBOOK with a PEN) about purgatory or some shit.

september is a gorgeous month. this september, like the last, i have all kinds of plans falling into place.

the month begins with the fabulous bumbershoot. for the first time, i think i'm going for all four days. i know at least one of my friends is coming from out of town (kevin) and maybe some others; people in seattle will also probably come for at least a day. there are some pretty good things in the line-up, and a few bands i'll have to check out since i haven't heard them before. i want to see the gossip, sonic youth, death cab for cutie, wilco... uhh... there are a lot. yay!

september 7, besides being sammy's birthday, is jason webley's vegetable-themed concert at the paradox. this is the first time he will use that as an actual *theme,* although it's something that comes up in every show.

september 12, i'll be flying into sjc for a weekend of checking in with my sister at her new school in san francisco, hanging out with sammy and kevin (again after bumbershoot; they may be sick of me), and going to see girls against boys with radio 4 and denali. woo!

after the 16th, um, i dunno. the month can't be that anticlimactic. fall quarter starts at the end of it, yippy? my 6am work schedule ends, hurrah?

anyway, that's still a month off. here's today.

i woke up at 3am and needed to use the bathroom. jenny was studying in the living room. crazy girl. then i went back to bed.

this morning, before work, i had judas priest's "living after midnight" stuck in my head. again. ever since seeing the short heavy metal parking lot last friday, i swear judas priest has shown up on my radar too many times for comfort. i left for work a minute late and walked a different way that i swear should take longer, but i was still on time. on the way, i got some other song stuck in my head that wasn't judas priest, but something i actually liked, but i forget what it was now.

just thinking of my schedule today makes me tired. i am at work until 10:30, then i go to class, then i have two hours to do whatever before coming back to work at 2 and leaving at 5. i will probably spend that time eating lunch (grapes and leftover teriyaki, mm) and falling asleep for half an hour somewhere in the south campus center between perusing the magazines i bought yesterday (the latest issues of soma, verbicide, and cook's illustrated, none of which i've ever read before). at five, i get to make the long, hot trek home and make pad thai for christine and i (and jenny, if she's around), then probably going to choir with christine since i told her i would be more likely to if we were leaving from the same place, but i really might be too amazingly dead to want to pretend i know how to sing or try to sightread music. annh.

stuff is pretty cool lately, except at home... my mom tells me how my dad is having these "nerve attacks" or something; i don't know what that entails, exactly, but it sounds unpleasant--painful for him, scary for her. so maybe i will go home this weekend to be supportive-in-person, if that's helpful of me at all, or something. i don't think i have anything going on up here, so i feel kind of obligated. maybe just emotionally. i don't know.

"living after midnight" is back in my head. dammit.

today was a pretty good day. my brother left this morning while i was at work because that's when my aunt was able to pick him up. i later found out he actually wanted to stay because we had plans for today--i suggested we go downtown and hit the vintage shops for oddball clothes; he grunted vague approval--but since he didn't *say* anything, i got him home early. serves him right for being a punkass about this stuff; someday he'll learn to be more vocal. not that i wasn't enjoying his company (hee), but y'know. he's a punk.

instead, i spent my afternoon NAPPING and having a weird dream in which i visited kevin.

after i woke up and regained consciousness (and the ability to type), i met chris for coffee. we talked over iced caffeinated beverages for awhile, then meandered across the hot street to the hot bulldog news and bought too many magazines. mmm, magazines. i'll have something to do with my two-hour break tomorrow, anyway. then we read them in the shade on campus and decided we required teriyaki dinner, which we obtained. we were, however, sad to note that tokyo garden did not serve us the shredded cabbage salad we know and love, but rather the sad, normal iceberg lettuce salad we could have gotten at nasai teriyaki, only with the good dressing. we hope the explanation is the more optimistic of the two possibilities--that they simply ran out of cabbage--rather than the pessimistic--they have turned to iceberg salad because of the relative price of cabbage. the latter would be truly sad.

i was going to write a huge rant today about "nice guys" who whine about "always finishing last" and shit, but i was too tired to do it at work or when i got home, then i talked to chris about it (since his, caleb's, and ed's #n00n scroll is the reason i was in the mood in the first place) and subdued the urge enough to not write. perhaps more tomorrow.

listening: 764-hero - you were a party

hi. i'm at work. it's quarter after seven in the morning. naturally, i don't really want to be awake and dressed at the moment, but i think i'd settle for just still being naked in bed. the clothes and the fluorescent lights are just insult to some exhausted little injury at this point.

again! not that i hate my job! god forbid!

...

i don't, really, i'm just tired. sssoooo tired. i woke up once at something like 3am after going to bed at 10, and it was warm and there were people talking loudly somewhere out my window and i got jolted out of some weird dream in which ruth on six feet under was telling me (i think i was a russian male, too, though not nikolai on the show) that some bad dudes were comin' (not her words) and the aim was her money, so i had to "go. RUN!" and then there were some shots of her opening doors to some ominous presence, and i woke up. at 3am. arrrr. so it was too hot and i couldn't get to sleep that easily. and then wake up at 6 again. so i am not happy to be here.

my leetttlle brother is here. i say "little" with as much sarcasm as possible, because he is hardly diminuitive. he's quite tall. and weird, but that has nothing to do with height. anyway, he is probably here until wednesday, midday, and i hope he's still asleep in the living room. if not, maybe he's adventurous and playing with my computer or watching a video. those are, really, his only options, unless he feels like eating, which, considering he's a growing 14-year-old boy, is highly likely.

oh, yeah, the pirate ship. it rocked. much piratey fun was had by all. i probably have several small stories to tell about it, but here are the ones that come to mind:

first of all, we were late. we almost didn't make it on board. josie, her sister, and my brother didn't arrive until about 1:45. we all ran out to catch the bus downtown, and, after waiting for about 15 minutes, one came by and didn't stop for us. ARRRR! troubled, we walked back up a hill and piled in ed's car, then nervously drove downtown and parked in a nearby parking structure and RAN (in skirts, no less) to the ferry terminal. we arrived to see a mass of lines, many of whom were also dressed as pirates. ARRRR. i said i would be so sad if we missed the boat. josie said she would be so pissed if she missed the boat, because she didn't drive four hours to miss the fucking boat. i said she won the "upset about possibility of missing boat" contest, though not in so many words. but we DIDN'T miss it, and we RAN onto the boat and joined our fellow pirates on the upper deck as instructed. ed's friend was already there, dressed in a pirate costume (yay!), and chris and his friend marcus were also there, though they had only one eyepatch between them. oh, and i saw later that chris was wearing piratey boots. hee. so there was a nice big happy group of us all floating around the crowd of pirates and bemused normal passengers.

we were told not to stomp because it was causing the pilings on the deck below to shake. ARRRR!

pirates confuse normals. this is very funny to pirates.

jason was supposed to have a band for the proper 'show' portion of the pirate event, but due to other circumstances, this was not possible. ishan played the drums for him, and jason played and jason plays. he took some requests, signing about stuff that pirates like--"dance while the sky crashes down," "sex mad" (the nomeansno cover i saw him do at bumbershoot a couple years ago that was actually the reason i started listening to them in the first place, heh), "the drinking song" (DUH), and he did "millennium bug" on guitar. later he did "back to the garden." he did a song in russian about a ball spinning over the head, then a guy who wanted to steal some girl. there was also a modified aardvark song that was amusing in its crudity--instead of aardvark, it was artichoke. heheh.

jason told lots of stories and did a lot more crowd-talking and being his gorgeous self than singing songs. he taught us random russian words--he just got back from russia--and traded a packet of seeds for a roll of duct tape and a fake parrot. it was very funny, overall. good stuff.

then there was a treasure hunt for the arbus, and i have no idea how that's spelled, but it's russian for watermelon. people took large scoops of watermelon and random chunks. jason drank out of a partly hollowed-out watermelon, then, with permission, dumped the remaining contents on this one woman's head. on the walk back to the ferry, someone asked, "am i the ONLY girl with watermelon juice in her cleavage?"

the ferry ride back was mostly uneventful, save for one rallying "arrrr" of the pirates on the ferry at that time. earlier, while we walked to the exit point on the bainbridge island side singing, "we row the boat to shore, hallelujah," the captain said over the loudspeaker, "...and to our pirate passengers, arrrr!" so this rally was a little pathetic. my brother, in fact, called out, "it's getting arrrr-ooollld!" the little punk.

walking back to the parking garage, we passed a guy begging for change so he could buy weed (or so said his cardboard sign). one of the many party tricks he offered in exchange for a quarter was a pirate impression.

in other news, i dropped cogpsy. i don't need it, i don't like it, and i don't want to take it. huh! i wasn't failing or anything even close; i just really resented the way the class worked, felt it wasted my time, etc. i wonder if i'm supposed to email the prof and let him know why or anything. it was my annual drop. i have never dropped anything like that before. it's kind of nice, i think. only one class. five credits for the summer. heh. if i find out the prof for human memory is the same prof i have for cogpsy, i'm dropping that, too. then i'll be down to 8 credits for fall term, but i'm sure i can figure out something else to do. speaking of which, i need to call the amazon.com/imdb person about scheduling an interview of sorts. fabulous.

after class, i am to go home immediately and drag my brother over to the metro to catch the matinee of men in black 2, which is something he wants to see and i wouldn't mind terribly seeing, especially as a matinee. it's silly summer fun; what's the harm in that. i mean, i did pay to see the believer, too, and this probably won't be nearly so technically flawed and it'll be much more enjoyable. right? i am just a snob who needs to convince herself it's ok to see crap sometimes. also, i can't totally hate barry sonnenfeld because he did make the addams family, which i love entirely too much.

jenny thinks i'm a closet goth. i like black and i like depression and i like weird movies with morbidity in them. hehe.

ok. time to unwind and sit here with a glazed look for another couple hours or so.

last night was lovely. highlights:

dinner yielded two new harem quotes. christine, jen, chris, ed, and i amused ourselves through plates full of yummy thai food. heh. some guy walked in wearing a tshirt that read, "i'd rather be masturbating," which made me collapse in giggles. (i was caffeinated and with my friends; i tend to do that!) as we left, jen and christine told they guy we liked his shirt. he said, "thank you, and it's funny because it's true!" ah, god loves an honest man.

grabbing eggs and whipped cream at trader joe's on the way back to my place (ed's and chris' contributions, respectively), and telling them to go check out while we girls gossiped about how silly boys are.

seeing so many familiar faces all at once! reid, jesse, and lindsay joined us later. reid had to leave early, so we had to make crepe batter in shifts, since several of us had just consumed mass quantities. gosh, james beard's crepe recipe sure is eggy. i think we used nine eggs, all told. and a lot of milk. i don't have a lot of milk left, but that's ok, because i don't use milk that often.

i put on my recently-acquired tom waits swordfishtrombones cd and danced around like a fucking pirate, which seemed to scare/amuse everyone.

my friends rock a lot. christine did most of the crepe-cooking--she likes to do that--and people did nearly all of the dishes without me asking them to or anything. that was so cool. i would have been fine with a sink full of grody crepe dishes, but i only had a couple things to add to the drying rack full of clean dishes. :)

oh, yes, and the crepes. crepes. mmmm. eggy, delicious, fresh crepes, full of all the best stuff. we had blueberries, peaches, raspberries, strawberries, marionberries, nutella, whipped cream, plain yogurt, lemon juice, and powdered sugar, most of which were consumed. i haven't felt such an overwhelming need to brush my teeth in a long time, but damn, was it good.

and, of course, i got to show people who hadn't previously seen it or really watched it my favorite film, harold and maude. that's always a treat.

the assholes were at it again with the firecracker shit outside my window. at one point, christine leaned out the window and sang, "unacceptable... that's what you are! unacceptable!" because she's a crackhead and i love her.

all in all, a good evening.

this morning, i am up far too early--though i did crash before midnight; sugar is a harsh mistress--and by early this afternoon, josie should be up (with my little brother! yay!) and people will meet here to bus downtown and get on the pirate ship. ARRRRR. hehehe. such fun.

listening: charles mingus - mingus mingus mingus mingus mingus