hey, ho, here's another redesign. lemme know what you think. is something screwy, etc. i have thus far only tested it in internet explorer (heh, i typed that 'exploder' at first; i'm a snob even in my unconscious) and will see what it looks like in mozilla when i get home.

anyway, i am out for the weekend. school is done for the quarter; what a relief.

yeah. i know. i need to seek professional help.

i KNOW it. it is SO HARD. because. you know. you have to find someone you feel is going to help you. there are a lot of people out there and it is HARD for me to deal with picking through them and finding one who is going to actually help me --yeah. it's an excuse.

anyway. i am full of excuses. shouldn't they sometimes get to count for something, though?

being sick plays tricks on me. makes me think everything is turned all the way around and upside down. and the last thing i wanna do is grab someone and make them help me sort it out. because this is my problem, right?

but yeah, also, i think half the time? i'm fine, you know? cos this week is hell and stressful cos of all the work i need to do, and reminders that i haven't done what i should've done all along, not to mention i'm fuckin' bleeding this week. and i'm tired. so, stress plus menstruation equals depression out like the tiger. no lady behind this door.

i was looking through my insurance provider's website today for what doctors i can see. i searched in my zip code alone for psychologists, internists (my doc in olympia has been an internist), and gynecologists and there were over a hundred results for each. how the fuck do you sort through that? the psychologist search, especially, was no help because they don't say their specialty or anything. if i went through the SCC for counseling, it costs money (less than a normal practice, i suppose, but not chump change) unless you get a diagnosis and a referral or something to one of the docs and not grad students. so while that would be an easy way to do something, it might be a dead end.

my mom said to call my aunt debra, who works for an allergist up here now, my aunt linda, who knows everything, or a family friend in edmonds who also knows a lot of doctors. or my old doctor in olympia. she said they can give recommendations for people up here. the problem i see with that is...so. i don't really have a relationship with any of these people where i call them up out of the blue. actually, i don't even have any of their phone numbers except linda's. i would be more than extremely uncomfortable with calling them and saying, hey, give me some random information! i suppose that is what people do, but um. i don't like that.

i have a hideous phone phobia, did you know? i can call kevin and i can call my mom and sometimes some other people without having to pace and force myself to do it first. i really freak out making phone calls so that doesn't seem like an effective way to tackle the situation. yes, let's UP my stress level! what a great idea! but yes, it is getting to the point that i should, you know. deal with that. like an adult. who needs to use the phone to do the business of life. i am seriously fucking phobic.

also, i need to get something published. i've never done that. i should. my prof seems confident in my writing skills and has more or less told me i sure as heck best get on that. i dunno where to go. i should talk to him about it. i think i'll try to tomorrow or something. my final paper is going to suck ass, though, just out of necessity of not desperately trying to eke out some reporting in the next day and coming up with crap and freaking out even more about it.

and then i go and publish that shit on my blog that makes people tell me i need to do ___ which is half what i want and half what i really don't want. but apparently i'm unable to shut up and retreat. and they're right, kinda.

probably socrates was right about writing.

i probably shouldn't be doing this.

but, hey. there are some thoughts, you know, swirling around this little depression-and-hormone-ridden brain of mine and they need to come out somewhere that isn't whining at my sleepy boyfriend who isn't really in a position to do anything. no one is. only me, and i am too fucked up and busy and stupid.

so.

WHY THE FUCK AM I SUCH A STUPID IDIOT.

here is a self-indulgent list of things that make me incredibly stupid:

i have approximately nothing to show for myself. i have no published anything, i have no research, i have only shit that i did for the sake of getting shit done and it sucks.

i do the bare minimum.

i can't ask for things i need until i have fallen way the fuck over.

i can't stop doing things like chewing on my fingers or chewing gum or knifing up my desk or eating snackable items.

i can't concentrate.

i can't stop being angry or depressed or anything long enough to let myself be happy. i have stupid mood swings.

oh, these are all icantisms. THOSE ARE BAD. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

fuck you.

i'm not funny. i talk too much and make dumb jokes and people are like, dude, emily, just stuff it. i can't write anymore or assrt myself respectably or keep up with the world or form a coherent opinion.

i can't sleep very well. i can't walk without it hurting. my thighs are sore and my knees are weak for NO APPARENT REASON.

i can't keep my shit together.

i'm terrified...

listening: massive attack - small time shot away

yar!

it is soooo incredibly hard to concentrate on stuff i need to be doing. so, so hard. i don't know WHY. and i must be iron-deficient in my femininity cos i am totally brain dead and tired. i need to get some things from the store but i am far too tired to go there tonight. ugh.

kevin made my cd burner work in linux, though! woo hoo! 6x powah! hey, it's better than nothing. i need my archival capabilities. you know my computer is really very pathetic? i love it, though. it's all i need. no need to be ostentatious with my hardware: i've been using this 13.5 gig for three and a half years now, and it's never been completely full, even at the height of my napster-using. even when it ran two operating systems. now i'm going to need to do some mad archiving of mp3 shit cos there is a lot of clutter on my linux partition.

really, i'm a very simple girl. i don't like video on my computer. i just like music, lots of music. i don't mind paying to see movies that don't look like ass. i don't need video games. i don't need antialiased screen fonts. i'm really quite happy with most of what i've already got. and that which i'm not...i can use windows (2k pro, the tastiest of windows flavors) at work, with free laser printing, so nyeh!

my only non-simple thing is my need for broadband. i don't even have a modem. or a phone line. must have cable. must have cable. $46.21 a month for this. better than dialup, though. i could not abide.

so. what's up?

i'm trying to work on my lyrics project. two weeks ago, this sucker was writing itself. i had to put it aside in favor of more pressing matters. today, it's moving along at a snail's pace. it's just...so...boring. i need to put together a presentation, too, which may involve a trip to kinko's or at least a copy center that will sell me transparencies, which they might do at this place near where i work. i don't know; i've never had need of these things before! this is all part of the learning process.

the draft i emailed my prof of my u district project...sucked. garsh. it was hovering around 400 words and included very little actual research beyond, you know, the mayor's webpage and my own experience and opinions, which may well amount to shit. but i mentioned that in the text of my email, well, that it was nothing like what it ought to be but i was sending for the sake of the deadline.

also, i am somewhat dissatisfied with my profile, which i've submitted for a grade already so i don't need to worry about it this week, but i might try to make it cooler (i.e., follow up interview!) and shop it around. that'd be leet.

seriously, though. such crap. my writing is ass lately. it's depressing.

also, this layout makes my lower-case style even dorkier than it already was. i can't go fix all my archives, though, so i'll keep on keepin' on for the sake of consistency.

listening: sonic youth - hot wire my heart

aha, the ol' layout switcheroo...

it seems to be working, save for the links to specific old entries, so...guess you can't do that for awhile. it's ugly, but it's MY ugly. this is my really old-ass layout from like. three years ago or something. it's simple. i am far too lazy for a proper redesign. oh yeah, and BUSY. jebus fuck.

maybe next week.

listening: pavement - newark wilder

the ave project is so fucked. not the street widening revitalization crap; my story about it! i haven't um. i haven't started. and a draft is due tomorrow. by noon.

as i told chris, i think i'm just gonna write up some shit about what *i* think and then throw in some of what my profile interview said and some of what i can to back it up with evidence from census data and shit on the city's websites--FOR THE DRAFT. i will probably try to get some more human contact-type information for the final. or not. it all depends on my stress level! yes! i admit it. i am a lazy ass.

i need to write that today, as well as fix my profile and work on the lyrics project. someday i should get kevin to make my burner work in linux so i can make a cd with stuff for the presentation. music, i mean, not a power point or anything like that. fuck that. my dumb paper on the last book for my dumb class will happen...tuesday-wednesday. as will presentation prep. this is manageable, sure. sure it is. i'll be done. etc.

last night i was going a little nuts. the computer monitor was driving me INSANE. i'm quite convinced of the crazy powers of flickering light sources, even if i can't DETECT the flashiness. fluorescent lights at work are especially bad, but anyway. i went to take my stupidfinal and i'm sure i passed with a passing grade, since that's what it takes to pass. then i went to wait for the bus to go to kevin's (i needed a BREAK) and jana called and said she would be going to josie's party, which earlier she'd indicated she might not.

the bus was slooow. the walk up 14th was wet. kevin was tired, so he spent like an hour making and eating lentils and something with broth, tofu, and mushrooms. his house is messy and has been driving me nuts--i don't feel bad saying anything because i know he doesn't like the mess, either, he just doesn't do anything about it apparently; oh, wait, the dishwasher's broken so somehow this precludes clean dishes. HELLO SOAP WATER AND SPONGE IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU! hokay. anyway, made me nuts, so i went and started throwing things away that were obviously trash and piling dirty dishes up. later i noticed i had missed a lot. there wasn't really anywhere for them to go, though. i hand washed a couple glasses while he cooked.

we sat around a bit and he asked if i'd heard the latest news from iraq. then he told me. i started ranting about how whatever government we install in there isn't likely to really help matters so the ends couldn't justify the means, even if i agree the dictator is a bad person and shouldn't be doing what he's doing and there is a remote possibility war is 'justified' in that sense although i don't, at all, think that-- anyway. so i was thinking and it was making me crazy. i got really upset in my head and then suddenly he said he needed to sleep in the next ten minutes. this was quarter to 8. he is a sleepy boy. this made me really irritated and i sat up and put on my shoes and sweater and coat and started leaving. "are you ok?" "no, no i'm not." "feel better!" "go to bed."

as i walked in the rain, i started feeling somewhat better, even if i was still unable to resolve my feelings in the slightest. i went to ballard market and picked out some purple tulips and a little box of nice chocolate candies for josie, thinking if there were an even slightly raging party when i arrived i might just need to give them to her and take off because i wasn't feeling at all in a 'party' mood. i also got myself a little bean and rice burrito so i didn't starve. i waited in the cold at the bus stop in front of mcdonald's for a few minutes. i was the last to get off the bus, at 43rd and 15th. weird. i walked to josie's.

jesse answered her door and said i'd just missed a conversation that concluded that jesus was a product of postmodernism or something. there were only six of us total, and i'd just missed the lasagna josie made. we six talked for a couple hours and played hot potato conversation killer. eventually, everyone left, and chris and i went off to find something. we ended up way down the ave at burger hut. i tried the eggplant burger, which has eggplant instead of a beef patty. it was pretty tasty. we walked by flowers and he said they had cheap drinks. we considered going in, but it was too pretentious. there was nowhere else to go but safeway, so we did. both tubs of strawberries and pints of ben and jerry's were on sale two for $5. i got one of each. then...home. and sleep.

i woke up this morning having a dream in which i was sobbing. the first part was some weird thing where there was a cabin door and body doubles and hiding and people who turned into dogs and birds but i could still recognize their faces. there was a dog that looked like ben stiller, so i called him "ben" and he responded. then this was all part of some weird group project for school. some of my groupmates were friends--chris, josie, and jana were there, i think.

then we were all discussing our upcoming group presentation at my family's house, only it wasn't very much like my family's actual house or any house we've ever lived in. there were a lot of people there, family friend-types (though i knew no one), having some kind of party. then my mom came up to me, very saddened, with yellowed postcards in her hands. they were from my older brother, who was in iran looking for his family for some reason. (background: my older brother is cambodian and his 'real' parents are in a remote village in vietnam.) the postcards were increasingly depressing--he was quite sure he was going to die soon. one was signed "in memorarium." i told her it could be ok, he's not dead yet as far as we know. also, he was apparently a student at the place my sister's going (the art academy in san francisco) and there was a small blurb about his trip to iran in their newsletter.

this strange older man came up to me, i got the impression we'd never met but he knew the family. he started apologizing for th thing with my older brother, and i told him we didn't know he was dead yet, so it could all be ok. he said that was good, then hugged me. i was angry because he was *trying* to make me cry and he doesn't know me, the manipulative jerk. while he was talking, i saw my dad emerge from the crowd in the kitchen, looking healthy and smiling and holding a baby. this surprised me because even in the dream he shouldn't have been around. he looked past me for a moment before walking off. when this jerk let me go i went over to find him. he was leaning against someone on a couch where several people were having a conversation, but when i tried to get his attention, tugged on his clothes, he wouldn't respond. i walked off and started crying... that's when i woke up.

listening: deftones - passenger