i made mix cds for my girls. they probably won't like half the shit i put on there because it's weird and rock and not pop music, but maybe they'll enjoy it anyway. i put some pop music (kinda..my kind of pop music, anyway) and some beatles to make sure it wasn't a total bust. my mom said i should put the macarena on there since we actually have that cd--shh, don't tell anyone--but i decided against it because it's evil. i know, i know, it's not about what *i* think is fun, but whatever.

so life is going to be nice and wonderfully busy from here on out, at least for a month. tonight is the farewell banquet (sad!) and a midnight screening of the big lebowski at ofs (not sad!) where casey is supposed to meet me. i haven't seen casey in i don't know how long. tomorrow my family is going to the beach, i think, probably seaside, for a few days or so. yippy. i'll bring lots of books. ooh, and if we go into cannon beach--when we go to seaside, we always go into cannon beach at least once--i can go to the cool little used bookstore behind the kite shop. hah, "the" kite shop, like there's only one in a beach town.

this bra does not fit me well at all. it was a cheap bra, and stupid, but still. annoying. and underwires suck ass. i hate undergarments! if only my breasts weren't too big to get away without them.

i need food now. i seem to have lost the writing groove, but it'll come back sooner or later if i just keep at it. click clack.

i have the japanese hokey pokey stuck in my head, only all i can remember are the words for the first five actions and that 'ha' is pronounced 'wah.' saa odorimasyou! i haven't a fuggin' clue what that means! heh!

this morning, in bed, it felt like there was an ant crawling on me, but every time i tried to reach down and kill it or brush it away, i couldn't feel it. i'm not sure if it was ever even there, and i guess it doesn't matter, because eventually i got back to sleep and didn't feel it anymore.

i hate bugs crawling on my naked body. that's why i spend so much time indoors.

i'm sleepy again. dammit. and the wizard of oz doesn't have japanese subtitles. dammit. my mom found a house she wants to buy, but it's already got a sale pending and three in line if that one falls through. dammit. my brother is listening to "suicide is painless" again. ...hahah.

i usedta-could play guitar songs and remember all the chords.
i usedta-could sometimes sing along.
i usedta-could read long books with great interest and fervor.
i usedta-could care when i wrote poetry.
i usedta-could play in the mud without fear.
i usedta-could keep up with friends.

but now i suck.

heh.

apparently, in japan, a commercial for the honda odyssey features the addams family. this, coupled with the fact that everyone in my family wore black, caused yumi to say our family was like the addams'. heheh.

but then my mom took the opportunity to tell her i was cousin it because once when i was a kid, i sat in the front pew at church facing backwards with my coat over my face and my glasses on the back of my head...

so, wheee.. i should make mix cds for my girls tonight and tomorrow. that would be fun. they're coming over tomorrow night to have homemade pizza and watch a movie. i'd like to rent something with japanese subtitles available or the wizard of oz. i already checked the latter dvd, and it, sadly, only has a french option. oh well.

so many things make me so randomly angry. like beer commercials. fucking beer commercials are so fucking stupid. i don't see how david spade heightens the image of coors light, for example, to anyone but the crowd who strongly identified with the alphas in revenge of the nerds.

i think, instead, i will silently contemplate the wondrous beauty of humor presented in the daily show with jon stewart. sweet sexy funny man. "find the funny!"

i tell you what, it's not in fucking beer commercials. jesus fuck.

NO MORE ANGER!

sniff. i don't get to see webley on friday in kirkland in a really nice performance hall and old steinway piano. sniff sniff.

i'm gonna hang out with yumi and asa instead..but still. webley. pretty venue. sniff!

How can we enjoy the flavor in our mouths when already we're dreaming of the taste of the next bite?

i've been thinking lately about the names people call me. yesterday one of my coworkers called me an Ice Queen, somewhat in jest, though i think he actually meant it. on the other hand, someone used to call me dear... michael calls me e, meesh calls me emully, sammy calls me strange things like bonzai on occasion, and the japanese girls call me emily, but pronounce it like "EE-MEE-L(r)EE!"

my mother's evil nickname that NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO CALL ME, EVER was meemelees. some people call me em, which is fine with me. my journalism staff, particularly editor carly, called me emca, and to this day i prefer shortening my last name to "ca." rather than just "c." my grandfather calls me emmy lou, while my old best friend rachel used to call me emmy lou berry, not knowing about my grandfather. becky's been known to call me all sorts of things in the stranger-than-fiction category. for awhile, leland called me nekoko, and i have gone by tonsai online since i first got aol in '95. (i won't even get into all the random nicknames i've had online; they were self-given, anyway.)

names are interesting, but sometimes nicknames are even moreso.

   'Have you ever been to the Cluny, the museum? There you will see Persian carpets of the most exquisite hue and of a pattern the beautiful intricacy of which delights and amazes the eye. In them you will see the mystery and the sensual beauty of the East, the roses of Hafiz and the wine-cup of Omar; but presently you will see more. You were asking just now what was the meaning of life. Go and look at those Persian carpets, and one of these days the answer will come to you.'
   'You are cryptic,' said Philip.
   'I am drunk,' answered Cronshaw.
--from W. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

whee.. so i just finished this book, on a pale horse, that michael recommended to me. it was a good, quick read; mostly entertainment value, though i really had to admire the portrayal of Death's work ethic.

my body has a really annoying habit of feeling randomly horny at inopportune times. well, i suppose they could easily be *more* inopportune, but it's not always while i'm in bed and everyone else is asleep so it's safe to deal with it in the manner to which i am accustomed without fear of interruption.

and then i got a pounding headache and took two ibuprofen--cool trader joe's ibuprofen, where the capsules are plain white marked only with an encircled black '420', heheheh--which helped the headache, but not the deeply sore back pain i've had all evening. argh. i need more available friends who are HERE who will give me a back massage. with oil would be nice, too, but not necessary. i have good oil for such a massage now, even. sigh. i can give myself a foot massage, but not back. dammit.

so the other SAs continue to make me feel i'm taking my job too seriously, and i almost wish i had been put in my sister's group. she says they're all really good about these things the way i am. buuut i suppose it's good for me in the long run to do this, blah blah blah. it just feels *way* too much like those high school group projects, where only one person is at all concerned with the task at hand. usually it was me. drives me up the freaking wall.

hey, what if high school really *was* preparation for the real world? that would hurt. ow.

anyway, back to an hour ago, when i was lounging on the couch with my book, horniness, pounding headache, ibuprofen, sore back, and black cherry soda... there are two (sometimes three) things in life that make me feel passionately, evoke emotions, etc. besides other human beings, and those things are music, film, and sometimes the written word. they're also things that i never really like to share with other people casually, like they're too important to be trifled with and i know some people would trifle them and that's useless. most people talk about music they hear on the radio, about songs they think are funny or annoying, or movies, something mundane and inane starring sandra bullock or some shit, how they were pretty cool or kinda lame, and i'm sitting there thinking, i haven't even heard/seen the shit you're talking about because i doubt it's interesting. what's the joy in watching boring movie after boring movie without even trying to get out and see something fucking different? why use a commercial radio station as your source for new music great and small, allowing it to define for you the subcategories of genres you find pleasing while weeding out those you don't? how can you enjoy your food if you don't have to chew it yourself?

yeah, i'm a fucking snob. get over it. i have. i've learned to SHUT THE FUCK UP and not say to people discussing these things, "oh, well, that looked really BORING, why don't you look for something INTERESTING to hear/see instead?" i just say, "oh, i haven't heard this, i don't listen to the radio," or nothing at all with regards to the movies unless i'm asked directly. they don't want to hear about how much i loved yiyi or even why crouching tiger, hidden dragon robbed that film of its well-deserved oscar nomination.* they would probably find harold and maude just another "weird" movie with little other utterable thought.

it just makes me sad to think that so many people waste these potentials for growth in the arts. there are movies out there that will not only make you think, but feel, enjoy, and love. i honestly don't think hollywood's going to give you that. there is music that will do the same, and that you're not likely to hear on the radio mixed in with upbeat punk (what the FUCK is that), pseudo-depressed guitar rock, and boppy pop/rap songs with funny catchphrase/soundbite lyrics. there's just more to life. that's all.

* not that i didn't like CT,HD as much as everyone else, it fucking rocked, but it was well-designed to appeal to the audience that way, was more of a cross-cultural (american/taiwanese/chinese) production than truly foreign, and, overall, i think yiyi was a better, more subtle film. so nyeh.

i worked 8.25 paid hours straight today, which, while it was quite fun, has left me mad tired.

my girls are super cool, as are margot's, which makes me wonder why it is that the other SAs in my group make me feel as though i'm taking my job too seriously. today, we went shopping downtown, and, while the other three SAs in my group saw fit to visit with each other while the girls perused various shops, i ran around and talked to my girls, making sure they saw some cool things and practiced english because, well, that's my job, and why wouldn't i want to do it, anyway? the girls are really cool, though it is difficult to communicate. (hell, they get *very* confused when i use "hard" as a synonym for "difficult.") not that i want to malign the other SAs; they seem like cool people. one of them i might even keep up with after the program is over, because she's cool and planning to go to uw and major in psychology, too.

we spent the weekend with yumi and asa in central oregon for a family reunion. yumi shopped 'til she dropped, while asa was along for the ride. yumi wanted to buy cosmetics, which was the reason she bonded with my aunt maryanne, who is a beautician and all-around sweet and wonderful person. asa played piano at the reunion, which attracted the attention of everyone in the house. quite a feat, and i was impressed at her fearlessness. naturally, conversation was difficult, but we tried and got through to each other well eventually. it was a crazy, fast, long, tiring weekend, but i think we all had fun. i also got to see my mom's entire family together for once in several years.

i'm fucking tired. tomorrow is horseback riding, though i think i just get to brush horses and not ride them. heh. woofun.

the job is over on saturday! crazy! and then i have a week off before a bunch of other cool things start happening! bumbershoot! going back to phoenix to visit michael and other people! my niece's first birthday! ashland to see the tempest with chris! bindlestiff family cirkus! moving back to seattle! trying to get a job! starting school! ajskfjskfjd!!!

yes, you KNOW the journal's gone downhill when entries consist of listmaking.