mondays are long days, punctuated with a comma between class and work and a great, sighing ellipse after 5. there is a tendency to fade out, rather than burn out doing homework or other such frivolities. fading involves your basic meal, time-wasting irking, and watching other people play mario while you watch and amuse yourself and others by singing along.

i could talk for a long time about that monday ellipse, but instead i'll tell you about my comma. (ooh, that sounded dirty. let's say it again. let me tell you about my comma. rawr!)

today i had a test in psych and thus got out early, so my comma added extra pause. it may even have been a semicolon. my friend adam and i stopped by the hub newsstand for hot tea -- he was impressed they actually remembered to give him earl grey instead of peppermint this time -- and after a few minutes of wandering, i settled on the smoking bench outside the new EE building to enjoy my packed lunch and large cup of hot green tea.

my sandwich, made that morning, was nothing special; a sliver of chile was mixed in with the avocado and one bite was especially spicy, but otherwise a fairly average sandwich with somewhat dry bread. i enjoyed it with an exact serving size of sweet baby carrots. the tea was exactly what i needed, though, and when i took a drink, i held the liquid in the front of my mouth and allowed my tongue to float freely in its mellow taste and warmth. as i walked from the bench to work, still sipping, the rain -- or drizzle, really -- doused my face and hair and left dewey drops on my black angora sweater. it wasn't cold or windy, just wet; just the perfect weather for a decently-paced walk to my destination, noticing my tiredness and thinking only enough to enjoy the tea, the rain, and the silence.

•••

i've noticed that the thing i like about some (though not all, or even most, probably) emo music is the way the guitars capture the sound or feel of rain. i'm not exactly a conoisseur of emo; just lately i have really enjoyed some stuff by red stars theory (consisting of members of modest mouse and built to spill, two bands that, much to the chagrin of some of my acquaintances, i never really got into), particularly for the lo-fi sweet guitar sounds that just fall on my ears like the variety of rains we attract in the valleys of the northwest. some things just sound like weather to me, and i love the weather.

things in washington have kind of gone to crap, or look to be heading in that direction, and it makes me sad. i feel like i should be moving elsewhere, but where could i go? i don't love anyplace else the way i love the northwest, and i don't know that i could. my sense of place here is so great; the beauty elsewhere seems too foreign to be real for more than a few weeks at a time.

i lost my place in the sun...

i'm so tired... i swear to god, if i have another needlessly sleep-deprived weekend, i'm going to be homicidal. or homosexual, whichever comes easier. not to equate the two or anything, i just thought how weird it would be to misspell "homicidal" with another o instead of that first i, meaning 'same' and... well, you know, i said i'm tired so i'm not making a fuckload of sense.

i guess that would be suicide? i dunno. words are weird.

i am so fucking tired, and i can't fairly lay blame on anyone. i am so angry, but i can't be angry with anyone. that drives me insane. kk's mom woke me up by calling my cell phone at 1:15 this morning and telling me they couldn't find kk. they thought he didn't get to vegas. he'd called me the previous morning to tell me he had arrived safely, so i figured he was up to some kind of bullshit, and i was angry. all the mom reactions (his and mine) were worry over his safety, but i was fucking pissed. and then i find out this morning from my mom, who called his mom, that, no, he was there and everything is fine, and it wasn't kk who fucked up or anything. i've already fired off an angry email to him and tried to find people on irc and stuff. gahhh. i'm a little reactionary, i suppose, but it's not my fault and my sleep was ruined and for what? nothing. fuck. i'm tired of ranting about it, though, because i've already talked to my mom, n00n, a couple individuals on n00n, and done some other searching, and obviously that was fucking pointless.

it just makes me angry that i'm involved at all sometimes. i just really want to say, "fuck it," and get on with life. i don't know how. i don't know what. i just don't know anything. and it's frustrating and i'm the asshole now. and i've eaten way too much greasy chinese food and chocolate and candy corn and such in the past lifetime and never enough exercise. i can't even concentrate on watching the video i bought. so i feel like crap.

with kk, everything is confusing and frustrating. there must be some reward muddled in there, but sometimes it's so hard to see...

"so we all make mistakes, it just figures you'd make me the biggest one. i was saving it up, but i spent it and now i don't know what i spent it on."
that's right, it's the return of the aimee mann listening-fest. yay.

fuck. i have math homework and a psych test to study for and i have work in an hour and bleh. hm, what's happy?
well, roommates are fun. we checked out the thai-ger room last night, which was good, and laughed a lot. i like my roommates a lot.
i saw my parents yesterday. i love my parents.
there are at least three movies i want to see that i could see for free in the next couple weeks, like the new coen brothers movie, the man who wasn't there, and the movie amelie, which was made by the same people as delicatessen and the city of lost children and looks cool... and there's on the line, starring not one, but *two* members of 'nsync, which i would NOT pay to see, but would gladly accept free passes and enjoy the amusement of bad romantic cinema.
i think mike's gonna visit over winter break, and mike is fun and cool and he wears all black and the northwest winter will give him a real reason to wear his trenchcoat, unlike those silly arizona "winters"...
sammy and i have been amusing ourselves -- and no one else -- on n00n lately by chatting under reversed nicknames. he's harem, i'm merah. it's exceedingly childish, but whatever. apparently, "merah" means red in malay, so at least i learned something from the experience besides "n00ners don't notice typos enough to differentiate between sam and i." actually, sam and sometimes mix ourselves up. i love the internet, because in real life, no one would ever mix us up.
jason webley's halloween show on saturday!!

hm. i guess that's all, really. back to aimee mann-land before work. whee.