blood flows through my brain, twitching with each overworked neuron as it drifts by. there is no stopping the tense movement of fingers as they rest in midair, hovering above the keyboard, waiting to uncramp. i half expect my eyes to be bloodshot from the debauchery of the last hour, but there is only a slight rosiness to my cheeks that i'm sure will quickly fade.

if only i hadn't been alone.

for some reason, i have an incredibly difficult time sharing pleasure with others. only in my mind do i fantasize how things might be, or ought to be, but never are, while enjoying myself. attempting to clue others in to my physical pleasure is a frustrating process at best; ... i can't go on with this.

"the hours" made me think about writing. in the movie, ed harris' character, richard, says something about how he has failed as a writer because he was unable to capture everything in words--the history, the emotion, the beauty. i found it particularly resonant. writing is not a very practical pursuit, but those driven to write make endless efforts to capture life as they see it. words are inadequate, but they become a pleasure, an experience of their own. but if one's goal is everything, what option is there, ultimately, but failure?

i still write, because as i live, my mind fills with words. i don't write enough of it down; i can't. and all too frequently it comes out wrong. someday, i assure myself, it will all come spilling out. someday my typing skills will catch up; someday my hand won't cramp and i'll never run out of ink; someday the words will come. it's my fairy tale fantasy, except the fantasy isn't kissing a prince, it's writing the story. someday i'll be able to combine my life experiences into something meaningful to myself and others, but until then, i can only set aside my own experience and attempt to communicate those of others (thus journalism).

isn't that what we all imagine? would you rather kiss a frog, or a pen?

sorry for the ridiculous comparison. :)

i really must find a better way. i really must be getting somewhere, in many respects.

outside, it's already dark. i've missed dusk, my favorite time of day, in favor of listening to one of my favorite albums from last year (764hero's "nobody knows this is everywhere") in the dark. perhaps tonight is the full moon; perhaps it's tomorrow.

and the time that i will suffer less
is when i never have to wait

listening: portishead - wandering stars

hurrrrrah! it's saturday! and what a beautiful saturday it is!

i am up before 9am! why? because! apparently i only need seven hours of sleep to be wide awake! i don't think that's entirely a bad thing, it's just odd! i don't really like being a morning person (gassssssp!!@#), but it seems to be the world i'm living in.

the plan today seems to be seeing "the hours" with josie and jana in the early afternoon, then going to the harem around 7 for christine's goodbye party. before any of that, i desperately need to do laundry and go to trader joe's. i am nearly out of essentials, like toilet paper and green chai bags.

time has elapsed. laundry is in the washer. jenny is doing dishes, most of which are mine. every time i tell her she doesn't need to do that, she says it's no problem.

i have no idea why i am in such a good mood today. maybe it's to counteract the ugly mood of earlier this week. that was a pretty ugly mood. fugly mood, which exapands to fuckin' ugly. might even put the 'g' on there, and pronounce it and everything.

i left work last night and as i reached the corner of pacific and 15th, christine approached. i was impressed! then she started crying and told me she just broke up with jesse. we talked, we grabbed takeout from the thaiger room, we hung out at my house. i had planned to bus out to ballard with her after food so we could play video games with kevin--figuring that would be a pretty good hang-out activity for all, even me, especially if you let me play street fighter 2 or rampage--but she wasn't feeling up to that, so we played trivial pursuit for awhile (i won; she wasn't too far behind) before doing silly quizzes on emode to find out things like: christine is a gorilla. i got kevin to come over (kevin is supposed to be an aquarius, not a sagittarius) and drive us to gasworks (it is fucking COLD out here, aight?) for a little while. all in all, a pleasant evening.

kevin's leaving for san jose pretty soon, so i won't see him until monday night at least. i told him, "when you get back, i'm going to do bad things to you. well, after you get back." "oh, i thought maybe you were going to be on the plane or something!" "yeah, i was planning to sneak past security and maul you as soon as you got off the plane." (all...rather joking, mind you. the funny is not the same as the tmi.)

anyhow. breakfast time and laundry and bathing and the store for munchies and cash, then movie and sobbing time.

hi, y'all!

i have been productive this day. disturbingly and perkily productive. the only bad thing i've been is...bad at actual work-at-work work. i forget everything, right? i am also apparently baffled by the workings of the damn copier. i am copier retarded, and yes, i know what that means. i do not say it lightly. i don't ever work with copiers. copiers are stupid. i would, seriously, rather scan a document and print it out (which, in fact, is cheaper in my lab, though more time-consuming, especially if you have no idea how to scan) than deal with a copier. i can deal with a computer. copiers are just monsters with annoying displays.

anyway, i have been working on the first draft of my story for reporting class due monday morning--we submit things via email, which i think is pretty neat, although i'm not sure why he prints both drafts out for us after sending it back with comments as an attachment--as well as contemplating environmental projects. i think my group for the stupid online class is going to focus on recycling (my idea!), and i will try to tie that into an analysis of the effectiveness of pro-recycling campaigns in washington for my comm class. i think it'll be fun. i like recycling. my brain is ALIVE.

last night, kevin and i saw about schmidt at the uptown theater with my free passes. it was pretty good. i can see why it was on a bunch of 'best-of' lists. good job on jack nicholson's part, at the very least.

in other news, i've had a car up here since coming home from olympia after christmas. why? because my mom didn't want to drive me home. heh. so it sat, mostly unused, on the street near kevin's house for several weeks. until last night. my aunt was in a car accident earlier this week. my cousin, the new newlywed, returned from his honeymoon and was about to start his new, first post-college job when his car was stolen from across the street from their apartment. his wife has no car at her disposal. something had to give. the something was me and so i gave them my civic key and a map to the car in ballard. kevin reported it vanished overnight, so i can only hope it's being good to them for now.

i'm nearing the time to depart this workful wasteland and join my dear old friend christine for some one-on-one quality time before trying to do something social with her and kevin. cos she's leaving the damn country and i'd like kevin to know my friends, at least a little, without being drowned out in the sea of chaos that is a harem get-together. besides, kevin's heading to san jose tomorrow to interview at apple, so i couldn't drag him to her goodbye party anyway.

five more minutes before i can justify running away. what else is new. i should be getting a tax return soon, hurrah for making tiny sums of dough. i plan to put half of it in savings and half of it into umm... let's say an independent music investment project. heh. blowing up to $100 on new music (mostly stuff on indie labels) would be sweeeeet! i have been unable to purchase fun shiny things for myself for awhile and it's makin' me ache. i'm so selfish. and i need new music. music!@#$ is love.

death cab for cutie tickets in kevin's possession. rah! i might get some to see the gossip on valentine's day. the gossip! on valentine's day! that fucking owns. i don't think MY valentine is much of a gossip fan and he says he doesn't want anyone to make him dance, but i can't go alone. and i'm going, dammit. i hope.

one, two, and three-to-the-four!
if you're not certain, boy, then i'll make you sure.

hormones make me SO not cool it hurts.

yow.

i'm ok now. maybe. or at least better.

i also woke up because i was having this scary-as-fuck dream that the beach house we stayed in over christmas was actually oceanfront and being bombarded by huge, blue waves and we couldn't seem to get ourselves together enough to leave.

now i must shower and pursue a day of great length and considerable exhaustion. it's not good when the quarter is already stressing me out.

hooo boy. well, if today wasn't one rollercoaster o' ANGERBALL for me, i don't know what. y'all should be glad you're not priveleged enough to read the shit i write in random paper notebooks, cos it's fuckin' scary. (disturbing example: "i am a hippie. a hippie who likes to jerk off to fugazi." yes, it's tmi.)

people are ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF ME. i am gonna itemize my frustration to the best of my tired ability. it takes a lot of strength to keep one's brow furrowed this long.

1. this bitch who fucking flipped me off when i was trying to walk across the street on my way to work the other day. me: walking in a crosswalk, with the light. her: turning left onto the street i was crossing way too fast in a fucking jeep. HUH. i stopped so i wouldn't get RUN THE FUCK OVER, and she smiles and flips me the bird. thanks, bitch!

2. my sister apparently has no desire to see her big sister. has enough with the whole family dynamic shit just staying at home and leaving as often as possible to kick it with high school pals. thanks, i love you too, sis!

3. ok, my intellectual foundations of journalism prof needs to speak more clearly, or something, as in structure his sentences with less redundancy, because it is damn hard to stay awake. also, pacing makes people seasick, dude. and quit bringing up nazis, quakerism, and the war on terrorism and how we should all agree that hobbesian philosophy is great for cases like that. ...fuck no! i just wanted to yell.

4. trying to bury this although it made me really mad today...kevin. i feel like i have an invisible boyfriend. i see him all the time, but no one else does. i *want* him to at least kinda get to know some of my friends and my mom, but it doesn't happen. i understand that dragging him to full-on harem gatherings isn't fair, but still. he wouldn't come with me to chris' house saturday night and he ditched after the last minute to meet my mom, brother, and i for dinner tonight in favor of picking up a package from fedex. GRRR. i know other shit is going on and whatnot, but still. it bugs. far too much. i overreacted slightly, but i feel my anger is at least a little justified.

5. christine! i emailed you! i know no other way of getting ahold of you! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!

6. me. i am afraid i am going to blow up in everyone's face because i feel like the crazy. i am trying to get my fucking shit together and learn and be more financially responsible and sane and have some fun and get out and feel better and everything and it's fucking hard when i have to bang my head against a wall to get life to cooperate. also, i evidently have no libido to speak of anymore, which is lame.

7. i hate everyone, everything, every time, right now. sure, people are basically good, but we're still fucked because on the whole, we're fucking morons. well-intentioned, horridly clashing morons.

hey! have i alienated anyone yet? wereya alienated, whirya whirrrrya?!

yeah.

listening: 1000 diving robots - instrumental track -- ahh, the angry olympia folk pop of champions.

garsh. i am a terrible blogger of late. apologies! but no promise to improve.

today (well, yesterday now) was chris' 22nd birthday. happy birthday, chris! the date was celebrated by several people, from those who've known him forever (his perfectcousin and younger sister) to those who've only known him this past year (the haremites and i), hanging out at his apartment and amusing ourselves with conversation and drink.

well. i didn't drink, but i was alone in my dryness. they all assume i do not drink at all, that the other few times i have were isolated incidents and not to reoccur, so there is no pressure on me. whee.

anyway. this week has been a little crazy. my boss just hired a new guy, whom i've yet to meet and have no overlapping hours with, so my work schedule was rearranged. i dropped my environmental soc class in favor of an online environmental science course that jana and a new harem-dweller are taking and wanted me to be in their project group. the class is five credits instead of three, doesn't seem to require much effort at all, and i don't have class at 9:30 EVERY day. actually, i only have class two days a week. two long-ass days a week. in the end, i'm taking 19 credits and working 15 hours a week.

earlier this week, i realized i was suddenly completely fucking broke...until payday. this was mostly my own fault for not cashing checks in a timely fashion, but it was annoying. but, since it was wednesday and friday was payday, i didn't really want to get my old paycheck, trek to the bank and deposit it along with jenny's utilities check, only to return to the bank friday evening with the new paycheck, so i just waited. friday was made a huge deposit with all december's paychecks (around $500 after taxes, ugh), my bookstore patronage refund check, and jenny's utilities check. rah. i also returned my $70 in shitty books for the dropped class, yay! so i'm no longer broked-ass.

but now i owe jana $20 for chris' thursday night birthday dinner at the alibi room (she spotted me, bless her) and i need to put more money in savings, because i checked my balance online one day to find a teller fee was expected to put me in the red and i freaked and moved some money around. i hate money. i am very bad with it. please don't scold me; i will learn someday.

tonight kevin and i made falafel and pitas for dinner. homemade falafel and pitas are the BESTEST EVER. good lord. pita pockets from the grocery store will NEVER be better than even the most pathetically formed, haphazard, inadequately leavened pitas. the falafel? yes, i couldn't use eggs so it didn't have a very solid construction, but the taste? the taste, it was good. i am good with food, yes? i also made a runny little sauce for the falafel out of tahini, lemon juice, and soymilk. oh, and there was fresh organic tomato and lettuce. it was NUM. i LOVE FOOD. even when it's crazy vegan food.

speaking of crazy vegan food, friday night we made this...stuff his cookbook called taco filling, but it was more like fajitas to me. it involved a lot of odd flavorings (soy sauce, basalmic vinegar) in mashed tofu, then sauteed with carrots, celery, corn, tomatoes, pasta sauce, salsa, and bell peppers with cumin, cayenne, cilantro, and green onion. it was a lot of prep work. we had it with guacamole and the trader joe's handmade corn tortillas that are awesome, except they didn't complement this dish well, which was saddening. alas.

i don't think i have much else to say about life, except that i may be going minigolfing in tukwila tomorrow. hee.