...!

don't read this is you don't want to hear really juicy gossip about me. this is don't-tell-my-mom stuff.
also skip it if you don't like reading about female bodily functions or are *extremely* and seriously amused by the "don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and lives" joke.

earlier i had ten million words to describe how i felt until things resolved themselves all on their own. i sat in my psych lecture and, in between actually paying attention to my prof's explanation of various visual system structures and abilities and pondering how to spell "prosopagnosia," i was blogging in my head. the paragraphs were italicized, like some kind of dream-like prose, only describing something entirely too real to me, the fear of not getting my period and all the consequences that entailed.

last night, i think, was the reason things resolved the way they did: i told people i was getting worried. i told chris and the other important party to the matter and had completely different conversations on the subject. i've been scared for at least a week now, though. seriously, any baby- or pregnancy-related references had me whimpering on the inside, and i started to wonder if news about the fda or the supreme court of the religious right or whatever somehow successfully lobbying against the free and legal use of ru-486 in the u.s. had gotten lost in the shuffle with all the recent events. chris told me i should just go buy a test and find out with finality; i didn't want to drop $20 when it really could just be my stupid goddamned period being irregular as usual. she did agree with me that *having* a kid wouldn't really be an option... but damn, does that make me feel guilty.

i was raised in a strong, supportive catholic family, by a mom and dad who had never had sex or *anything* until their honeymoon. i was the product of their original intentions of using catholic "birth control." my mom knew when i went on the pill last year, but i don't think she told my dad, or if she did, there was no mention of the whole having sex part of it. i just don't talk to my mom about that. we have really different views on the subject. i know that; she knows that. i trust that she trusts me and leave it at that. but i also trust that she doesn't *really* want to know. i may be wrong on that count, but we are close in every other respect, and i honestly don't think she'd dig knowing about some of the stuff i've done. or i wouldn't. at any rate, mum is the word with my mom. (hee.) anyway, you know... abortion equals bad in that sense. i was raised to think that if i were to have premarital sex -- god forbid -- and suffer the dire consequences of conception, i'd have the baby and put it up for adoption, cos abortion is bad.

now, as a second-year college student with a life, i don't think that's realistic. if the situation were a little different, if i were just working and/or had a long term significant other or something, i would consider it, but as it is... no. to be honest, i'm still squicked out by surgical abortions, but i would definitely do chemical if it were necessary and remained a legal option. not that abortion at an earlier stage of pregnancy makes it any less "wrong" or anything, it just sounds like a better option. jesus, why am i justifying myself here? i was all psyched up to deal with that if necessary with all the fear in the pit of my stomach every time i went to the bathroom and there was no sign of girlie bullshit. the only worry i would have is how to pay for it; i understand it's several hundred dollars and i don't know how insurance or anything would work. ugh.

but today, after reaching that pinnacle of freaked-out-ed-ness and actually telling people i was scared... it came. i ran out of the bathroom, shaking a little with relief, and told chris to "consider this my happy dance." she gave me a high five. adam, who came over after class, was mildly confused. chris later determined that, since her period also started today, my body must have decided to sync up with hers.

i need to get back on the pill. even if i'm not gonna be sexually active anytime soon, having a regular cycle and seriously reduced chance of such a fear repeating itself is worth it.

so now, bopping to dub narcotic is fun, blowing bubbles is fun.... my roommates and i are going to go to the thai-ger room on saturday, which is supposedly where the chef from thai tom went (and the reason many say its quality has gone downhill while its popularity has not)... i think jana and i are going to watch her l.a. story dvd tonight after she gets her friends fix (ugh) and i still need to watch citizen kane. kk's going to crash friday night before flying to vegas to hang out with his dad for the weekend, yay kk.

so yeah, i'm super relieved. it's good.

there's nothing like a really boring lower-level math lecture to drive you absofuckinglutely insane. seriously. take a look at my math 120 notebook sometime, and compare it to my notes for almost any other class i've taken, ever. it looks much more... manic, anxious, angry, cynical, whatever. it kind of scares me. i imagine it scares my neighbors, should they be so bold as to look down at what i'm frantically scribbling in cheap bic .5" graphite.

actually, sometimes i wish they would, because muttering is nowhere near as effective in creeping people out as insane scribblings. muttering just makes them giggle. i should know. i see crazy people muttering in public, and they make me laugh, but they don't creep me out. writing requires a lot more conscious thought, and *that* is what makes it creepy. but anyway.

half the time they'd need to read spanish to really be creeped out, cos i'm writing shit like "¡quiero morir! mátame ahora!" on there which is just weird since i haven't been in spanish for well over a year now. i guess verbs like "to kill" and "to die" really stick with you after all the pronouns and weird verb tenses are gone.

seriously. today was the worst. i was practically SCREAMING onto my paper when the lecturer spelled "vertical" "verticle;" there are half the lyrics to jason webley's "millennium bug" scrawled in tiny print in the margins, all in mismatched order; two rambling paragraphs contain sketchy epithets directed at my moronic, mostly freshmen classmates. i guess it's really not that bad, but god, i hate hating a class, you know? it just seems to pointless to hate a class.

scarily, i think work is the most calming time of day on mondays and wednesdays. i get to sit here and help people occasionally, seldom get yelled at for any reason, and can just use the computer or do my homework without real distraction or interruption. it's nice.

i'm out of subject matter for the time. ttfn.

hm, i've been too busy to blog lately, i guess. or nothing really to say. well, there has been, but it's been weird and crazy and there are no conclusions. that's life, and i guess the point of this blog is to write those non-conclusions down as they occur to me, but still.

i have been a bad blogger, and for that, i am thoroughly ashamed. are you happy now?

jesus. demanding.

since i don't really feel like talking about life, i'll leave you with some quotes from my teachers this quarter, since they have a tendency to amuse me on occasion. they may or may not amuse you, too, because i'm weird, and what tickles me probably doesn't tickle you. at least not out of context.

from roger knight of psych 333:
"...there are upper limits that, uh, manifest themselves as painful experiences."
"my grandmother used to pull the eye out of the fish and tell me, 'gee, roger, look at the lens!' and that is something you can do. it's educational."
"it's two pieces of watermelon here. which will have more... inhibition?"
"[your visual system] is not just made willy nilly. ... i haven't used that word since i was a kid."

from ted coskey of math 120:
pointing to a graph of a parabola: "i'm gonna fill this with ice cream... MAKE BELIEVE!!!"
"can it be done? YES! will i do it? NO!"

from shannon mcrae of english 210:
"carpal-tunnel syndrome is not exactly a divine experience."
"open source divine power!"

(yeah, she's kind of an english major geek-lover. i wish i could take all my english classes from her. god bless that renaissance woman. heh.)