so i was a little upset last night.
i'm not gonna apologize for it. i don't think i did anything or said anything truly hurtful. i was hurting and mostly i left everyone else the fuck alone without putting my problems on them. maybe on kevin, but he's working on coding a game and therefore unavailable to get sucked into my emotional hijinks.
here is what i did last night:
got home from work around 5:20. see yesterday's first entry if you didn't see the rest of that story.
thought about something to do. couldn't get ahold of chris to see if he was going to the bob log III show. sat on computer going, "i am going to freak out if i end up doing nothing again tonight." did not feel much like eating but made myself a pot of black cinnamon coffee in hopes that the caffiene would lift my spirits just a tad. found grounds in my cup at the end of the pot. ptooie.
chris called. he had the wrong day for the show and, as such, couldn't go. surprise! but i can't bitch at people for not knowing, right? just because *i'm* being needy and annoying doesn't mean i get to impose on my friends.
i talked to my mom on aim for awhile. she ws equally bored and irritated with her evening. i suggested she come up here and we'd bake brie and eat it with toast. she thought this sounded like a good idea, but felt too much responsibility to leave home at the time. she made me laugh, which mom is good for, as well as knowing someone gives a fuck enough to speak in words, until she decided she was tired of sitting at the computer and went to bed.
ate leftover tempeh and blck rice stir fry. was still hungry.
turned on the tv. watched "greetings from tucson," which sucked. watched "antiques roadshow" (from seattle!) and ate a box of red vines. watched "egg" for the first time and marvelled at some really cool water-related pictures. also, gratuitous surf footage!! discovered a cache of trashy dating shows was airing on the wb. watched "elimidate" in horror. watched "blind date," which is art. began watching "the fifth wheel," which seems to have lost the cool host and has dumber-looking captions in addition to being, y'know trashy like elimidate. jenny came home. "i have no life," i informed her. "yeah, well, i hope you're enjoying your DATING SHOWS!" "fuck you." she laughed. it's odd that few of my friends are actively offended by my telling them that.
went back into my room. said some things to kevin. felt extremely lonely and isolated and began to cry. i haven't cried in a long time, so i guess it was due. the feelings of isolation and whatnot are hardly isolated, but it's not unlikely they're increased by what i suspect is pms. i don't think that makes them less valid, but it sure did have a way of exaggerating them.
i cried for awhile about a lot of things, i don't know. i realized the other day that i have a lot of pent-up hostility. not sure where it's from, but there seems to be no acceptable escape for it. it leaks out when i'm walking home alone and i swear at motorists and i swear at myself for various stupid shit or whatever. people probably think i'm insane if they see me swearing at myself. so i'm angry and lonely and unhappy. what can i do?
listening: bjork - cover me (dillinja mix)