ok, AND MEESH.

last night's party was a definte success, even with everyone drunk on atmosphere (and, more often than not, actual alcohol, too). i came home from work a little after 5pm and couldn't recognize my own living room; within two hours, it was full of people, some i knew, a few i didn't, all chatting noisily, drinking, laughing, and eating the various culinary delights prepared by the harem's own...and a few of our good friends at a local grocery store.

this morning, i helped rearrange the living room as part of the cleanup process. now the tv is on the opposite wall from where it was--the cable won't have to wander across the room now--the sofa pieces are shoved in the corner by the single window, the table is in the same place, the armchairs are gathered around one of the end tables near the kitchen sink pass-through, and my record player is between the christmas tree in the corner and the longer part of the couch, approximately where the tv/stereo used to be. i know this is all very exciting. call it pms, or post-party letdown, or the stress of finals, or whatever you want: i'm feeling kind of down, so this entry ends now, before i start playing the part of the sad clown.

i have a bit more of a response for winnie:

love is better compared to a ghost after the fact. something had to live in order for it to die; i know i was once in love because now i am living as the ghost of that love. i'm invisible, serving only to amuse myself (under certain circumstances); i am what everyone sees but the one i haunt. love is dead; it's tricky like that.

ain't i a romantic? :)

during winter, in a year like this, birthdays are a very strange happening. they must occur between every other random facet of life, a celebration between work, class, moving, doctor's visits, exams, and such. thought devoted to celebration happens only hastily and turns out as mostly poorly-executed plans. everyone asks if it was a "happy birthday," or encourages reflection on the past x years of life; three cheers for the sweets your celebration has added to our refrigerator and the gifts you're willing to share.

not to imply that my roommates are selfish or anything (said without a trace of irony, really), just that they seemed intent on affirming my satisfaction with the day by celebrating my new record player.

and of course people ask if it was a happy birthday; but what do you say if it wasn't?

not that mine was bad, of course, just that "happy" conveys a sense of elation that i simply don't feel accurately describes the day.

so maybe i'm just a little melancholy lately for whatever reasons. i've got a record player and some records to play. that's pretty cool. and today was the last day of class. my parents are finally moving into their new house today (and tomorrow). people are great. i have, in fact, an interesting vague topic for my english final (due monday) on which i should soon begin work--it's not one of the "suggested" topics, but shannon thought of it during discussion today and later said she thought of me to write it, since it was the one thing i actually said things in front of the whole class. that sentence was lamely constructed, and i apologize.

it's my mom's birthday today. happy birthday, mom! oh, wait, she doesn't read this, or she shouldn't. i called, though. first the cell phone, then the new house, and left a message. like i said, it's moving day.

i felt moved to write emails--because neither have the blogback comment function on their blogs presently--to both winnie and offie today after reading their blogs. maybe i will. less impersonal and more direct than just saying what i had to say here, though that'd work for winnie's question.

winnie, i agree that any philosophizing about the nature of "true love" is overrated. i think it's one of those things that's primed for overwriting and overthinking but never, ever resolving by any satisfactory standard. and, yes, fence-sitting is my final word. ;)

i must say that i like the ghost comparison, though. it's pleasantly spooky, if questionable.

the night is your average cold, humid december night in seattle, but inside, with the heat cranked to 75, i'm hot with anger. the volume of my music--weezer's first self-titled, for whatever reason--matches the heat of the room, even with the soft breeze from my slightly-opened window, but no one's asked me to turn it down yet.

already tonight, i have talked to josie and my mom. the conversations started out with me seething and angry and ended with thanks. josie tried to empower me, while mom distracted me and made me laugh at her collection of old 45's. i feel jittery and upset and aimless; but somehow it was enough to make me feel like writing, actually writing, not just this notebooking crap i've been churning out for months now. but of course, i sit down and quickly get that feeling that i have nothing, really, to say again. sigh.

oh, right, now i remember why i was listening to this album: "the world has turned and left me here." yes, please play loud, little computer.

i feel like a bad person because i didn't go to jana's concert. i taped her shows for her, though, though her tape stopped five minutes to the end of ally mcbeal. i'm sure josie can fill her in on the details. i can somehow tolerate watching boston public with only a mute during the musical numbers of this episode, but ally is intolerable to me. i threw my ratty old sweatshirt over the screen. it made a tent over the top where my glow-in-the-dark st. clare, patron saint of television, rests.

my small order from kill rock stars came in today, a mere two shipping days since it left olympia. that's the free [to me] media mail rate, too. having things mailed from 1.5 hours south rocks. anyway, i finally own my beloved c average's first album...on vinyl!...in anticipation of my record player tomorrow!! i also got an interesting-sounding 7" because it was only $3.33 and it sounded strange.

ditz moment for the evening: smoking is, like, the weirdest thing ever. that's including childbirth, because while childbirth is completely bizarre and inhuman looking (despite the wholly and essentially human nature of it), smoking is subtly weird. i can't explain it; it just creeps me out on a level i can't define. it's beyond the whole "it's gross and smelly and expensive and unhealthy" thing; something about a purple building with spots being significant...

now, before you can say it, i will agree with you: "what?!!"

roommates are home and giggling insanely. the concert must've been lovely. i think i'll go be kind of social.

i write all these entries, at least here, in lower-case. i don't know why; i know it's improper grammar and annoys some people. i used to write with proper capitalization, i swear! at this point, though, it's just a matter of consistency. or so i tell myself.

"sugar on my tongue" by the talking heads is presently stuck in my head, and has been for about an hour. it makes me want to waggle my tongue about, but something tells me that would be inappropriate workplace behavior.

hmm, so many thoughts today i considered writing down, but now that i'm sitting comfortably in a location where i can write and not just think wantonly, i forget them all. that's always the way. let's think. someday i'll remember how to pull together a day's random thoughts into an interestingly-written essay, but today, i can't even try. it's just a mental notebook that will someday become a novel, maybe.

there's the guy in my english class whom i always get this vague vibe from that he likes me. kind of narcissistic, but anyway. he's not someone i'm...into...uhh...so i always feel bad because he seems like a nice guy, but i don't want to talk to him. i'm just afraid we'll get along ok, be friendly, whatever, but there will be that stench of unequal like underneath that i won't want to explore and if he brings it up, we're done for. i can't deal with the unequal anymore. anyway, projection much? stupid, i know.

i cut my finger this morning and now it burns. eeep. ow. :(

a beautiful thing: finally learning how to use that less-used but ultimately more popular opposite of unrequited, requited. how many times has someone you know wondered out loud if that word is ever used? i found out. it is. and it's a really cool thing to realize.

my finger BURNS, i tell you. stings! ow!

and my mom is coming tomorrow and we will have a grand old time! yay! it will be her super-break from all the moving hassle (with which i am not helping at all because i'm here in seattle, darn it...)

i love the rain. i need to write more about the rain. it's cheesy, but i am confident that i will eventually learn to avoid cliche.

but for now, that's all i've got.

yay, i finally got around to scanning some pictures from the last year. also up (in the webcam directory) are some photos of my family from thanksgiving that my mom held in front of the webcam. heh. we do, in fact, have a scanner, but the scsi card it requires is in my sister's computer but the scanner is detached, so my dad will have to do some deconstructing and reconstructing to use it again. charming. anyway, you'll find 'em, a few from the roadtrip last summer are in the main directory and a couple others are in friends. that is all.

maybe tomorrow i'll grab a couple pictures of the harem to scan, too. many of these feature reid in crazy pajamas.

so yesterday evening, my body and brain settled in for a long winter's depression, which is always fun. i hardly ate anything yesterday--breakfast of biscuits, apple, and tea, then three tiny specialty donuts from that place in pike place market (served up by a couple of punkrockers, of course), then... umm... nothing until it was like 6pm and i realized everyone else was starving and i hadn't even bothered to eat lunch without feeling particularly hungry. i made a... thing... that was kind of good, but also kind of gross. i cooked a yam, then mashed it up with some rice vinegar and ginger powder, then tried to make it into little cakes stuffed with soybeans to pan-fry with sesame oil. i know, it sounds nasty, but it actually wasn't. still, i couldn't finish it.

hm, charming, one of the tv/vcrs here at work seems to be broken. someone's tape got stuck in it. ergh. oh, helpful guy from the circ desk got it to work. yay for helpful guy at the circ desk!

trying to talk to kk is like playing my little brother's old game, "or not." it involves kicking a tree and saying, "or not." my brother is cool. trying to talk to kk, however, is not. we can't seem to have a civil conversation, at least not online, and because of that, we don't really want to make the effort to see each other in person. anyway, i don't know why i try, and i probably shouldn't even post this.

i made josie a neat-o mix cd as part of her christmas present. may she like it, and may many of the songs be previously unknown to her. that's always the best.

basically, i wasted this whole weekend. i went downtown with josie yesterday and ate three donuts, a single almond, and walked a bit to get $40 out of an atm. the deal, though, with the donuts was that josie paid the $2 for a half-dozen fresh, tiny, delicious donuts with the intention that we would each eat three and i'd give her a dollar later, when i had smaller bills. i ate my three, but she only ate two and thrust the last one on me. i didn't want to eat it, so she told me that if i ate it, or got someone else to eat it, as long as it went unwasted, she would forgive my debt. of course, christine was more than happy to eat it the minute we got home. now she owes me $10 for the lord of the rings advance ticket. oh yeah, jana rocks, she got us tickets for the midnight showing of lotr the day it opens. at the freaking cinerama. KICK-ASS. that will be some freaking pretty movie, yay! i heart peter jackson. everyone else may heart tolkien all they like, but i'm going for peter jackson, new zealand's crazy director extraordinaire. hee.

oh yeah, back to the depression. i know you all really want to read about me getting depressed for no apparent reason, right? yeah. i dunno, i woke up today, and nothing was different, but the sky wasn't gray, so that in itself was pretty amazing. so i'm not as depressed, just brilliantly bored. tuesday tuesday tuesday!