so i think i'm depressed again. pretty sure it's a continuation of the feelings from a couple weeks ago, or whenever the fuck that was, and i'm mostly functionally so, but damn if it isn't annoying. i am considering trying to find another counselor, although i was less than satisfied the last time that happened. i know a bit more now and it might work better, but it's also effort and time, neither of which i have much of an impulse to throw away lately.

the trouble with depression, at least for me, is the number of words in my head increases at a shocking rate, then some of them have to spill out of my mouth, and none of them are really good words. i end up saying stupid things that make me feel worse. writing helps, i think, but fuck. i want to stop thinking like this, i want to be able to enjoy things in life that are good, and i want to be able to care about the stuff i used to care about.

perhaps i'm making this sound extreme. i'm not sure it is. i still have logic telling me this is mostly in my head; i also know i have been through what others would call "a lot" in the past couple months and probably deserve a mental holiday. that's why i'm taking only 9 credits this quarter. i have been doing a lot, though, and i think that's good, but deep down, shit still feels like shit and no amount of doing is going to make it go away.

i deserve to be happy and i deserve to not feel like a fuck-up. i deserve to have my head shut the fuck up.

anyway. shower time. more on life someday.

what day is today? tuesday?

umm. so i've been busy. after work yesterday, i went to trader joe's and bought some groceries, then i hopped on the 44 westbound and got kevin to pick me up so i didn't have to walk the 12 or so blocks to his house. i brought my happy veggie patties for dinner, which we ate with hummus and pitas. mm. unfortunately, pan frying them set off the stupid smoke detector, although they made hardly any smoke at all. we did some random things around his house and ended up watching a shot in the dark on his laptop, which was absurd and amusing. he has said he needs to make me watch his peter sellers movies. heheh.

my newswriting class was taking today off and i decided to play hooky from imdb, so i stayed at kevin's all day. i wanted to help him with whatever needed helping, although mostly i think i was just in the way. i walked to walgreen's and bought a couple items kevin needed and made lunch. yay. i just didn't really want to go home.

in the late afternoon, i said i should leave around 3:30 to catch a bus home so i could have coffee and vote before gilmore girls at the harem. kevin offered me a ride because he wanted to use the computer, and i accepted. i drank my coffee; he used the computer. then we went to hardwick's, which i'd never been to even though it's very near my house and full of all *kinds* of crazy cool shit, and the indoor sun shoppe, looking for plants to give kevin for his new place. he saw a couple possibilities, but didn't want to get anything until he's more unpacked.

so, after all this kevin-time, i went and had intense other-friends-time at the harem. well, first i voted. there wasn't anything truly exciting on this year's ballot for me, but i voted anyway. 'tis important in some sense. then i went to the harem. only jana was home, but she informed me that she, too, had played hooky from work today, and that llindsay and chris were coming tonight. yay! so we waited. eventually, people came bearing taco fixings. i hadn't seen lindsay in ages, and it was nice to see her. i am also glad we have gotten chris in the gilmore girls spirit, since it is sick and wrong that such a good show is on the freaking wb. tacos are good. food is good. reid joined us for food and contributed the steak jana so desperately desired but neither josie or i would oblige her. we had two episodes to watch, too, which is always hectic and grand. lindsay and i cringed and shrieked our way through the scenes from the baby shower in the new episode. so, so terrible.

i still need to watch stop making sense. i think i will do that in the morning. i also need to eventually do laundry, heh. i am probably not going to be able to see kevin again until friday unless he wants to come out here for dinner or something. friday after work, he is all mine. three-day weekend! i should make some plans. we shall see what tomorrow's stranger suggests. maybe there will be a war protest! heh.

so tired. so early. i think that's all there is to report. now you all know the details of my life up to now. i know that's important to you so that when you actually converse with me and i try to regale you with some anecdote of my recent existence, you can be all, "dude, i read that in your blog!" and i'll be like, "yeah, hmm. so what's new," and we'll sit there all silent and shit until it's time to stuff face.

listening: sounds like bjork - enjoy coming from jenny's room.

i feel kinda useless today. not sure why. my thinking is not very clear or deep. i wrote a ton in my break between class and work, which was relatively long since we finished what we needed to do around 1:30, but it was all blathery crap and personal stuff. (yes, because the journal is Not Personal Enough. actually, it's not. there is a lot of stuff i write or think that i sure as hell don't want, say, my 15-year-old brother reading. this should be obvious to anyone who's ever kept or read an online journal.)

gosh. i love people who ask easy questions. "is circulation downstairs?" "mmhmm!" yay for things i actually know!

kevin came over yesterday and brought me an amp and speakers to replace the ones i've been using for a year. i like the set i had; they were old and funky, but this one is pretty handy. i am not sure it necessarily *sounds* better--definitely not worse, though--but the speakers are smaller and the amp is more functional. also, it doesn't have a broked-ass turntable attached to it. he arranged it so i get to use my dvd player as the cd player, instead of the discman i'd been using, which is cool for several reasons: one, tv audio outputs to the stereo; two, the dvd player plays audio cds and mp3 cds; three, it frees up my discman for other uses; and four, since the discman had a separate volume control, the record player was always much quieter than the cd player, so i had to adjust the main volume to prepare for the cd player's loudness, which was lame. anyway, new stereo setup is cool, thanks to kevin!

now i need to decide whether or not i want to set up my old stereo in my room with the discman and hook it up to my computer. i had it that way for awhile in the harem, and it was cool, but i think i want to rearrange my room anyway, which is going to be a total bitch just because of how my bed is set up in the first place. anyway, not important right now.

kevin's new place is slowly getting more functional. the kitchen and the bathroom are now usable. he set up his stereo yesterday morning. he has table and chairs and bed in a reasonable arrangement. there remains much to do, however. i have offered my assistance, although i'm busy, but i imagine he'll just have to do a lot of it himself. it is a cool place. kevin is cool. yay for things!

my back is popping a little when i breathe. that's probably not good.

i guess this week is tacos before gilmore girls. yum. i have been craving mexican food a bit. black beans are wonderful little things.

yeah. i have nothing more to say, really. working until 5:30. need to go to trader joe's at some point, assuming i have money left in my checking account. this month is already full of plans and busy-ness. whee. i hope i sleep better.

so... while blogger is fucking the fuck up, i'll work on a page that contains the setlist and comments from last night's show for anyone who cares. this is the official setlist, too; i grabbed it while it was floating around with some leaves that were thrown. neat!

jason webley day of the dead show was good. so many people. much singing and dancing and crazing smashing into people and giant tickle fights (like a happy mosh pit!) and leaves and a bit of a puppet show. the band was in top form, too. the band is always fabulous. i somehow had energy enough to withstand the whole thing even dancing and clapping to excess, although it was brilliantly uncomfortable to "sit" with that many people in the theater (basically, i couldn't sit; i was crammed in between bodies at close range until my legs fell asleep and i was in pain, yay!). he played some great songs! it was happy!

and then...he died. the knife fell and there was all this symbolism and blood splashed on a sheet and the two women in white who are always there did their slow dance to tie him up. i was standing thinking, "jeez, i don't know how much more of this symbolism shit i can take before it gets REALLY old," then thinking, "MY LEGS HURT SO FUCKING BAD!" anyway, after passing these boats around that had candles and feathers and little cards tied to feathers, jason got tied up and hoisted into the air, looking like christ on an invisible cross, then he was hoisted forward with another rope around his ankles, and then tied him to this pole in a process i witnessed from what was now a front row, but i was so dead already that i almost couldn't care.

when they started marching north, i went south. home. it was 11:30 and my whole body hurt. i wasn't in the mood to march (in pain) and then stand around (in pain) while he does some silly symbolic thingy in a park a couple more miles north of here. he was already *dead*, y'know? what more can he do besides, um, come back to life or something, which would just way way too much blatant christian symbolism bullshit for me.

anyway, it was a long walk home in pain. my knees hurt. my feet hurt. my back hurt. hurt hurt hurt. i almost didn't want to get up to use the bathroom or turn off the light. i did some yoga to help at least my feet and legs, but my back is still sore this morning. ugh.

it was probably worth it. before the bad taste in my mouth, the show was fucking fabulous.

today planning to see kevin (of COURSE) and watch metropolis, which he's never seen. i have taken it upon myself to give him an informal film education (with his approval), since i think there is a ton of stuff he'd enjoy but just wasn't exposed to for whatever reason. that, and i adore film. i want to share it with those i love. i also need to find cool houseplants to give him. any suggestions?