weddings. they sure are weird.

so by all accounts, i looked nice... in the same shirt that the bride's mother wore. fortunately, the bride's mother is ridiculously cool, so it was a point of amusement and she seemed pleased. of course, her daughter was getting married and there were all kinds of people there, so she would be happy.

by many accounts, i am also pegged as The Next to Go in terms of this whole shindiggin' business. hello! shut up, you crazy people. anyway, if and when i do take that plunge, it won't be like this was. not that it was bad or anything; it was lovely and appropriate for the couple and the crowd, just decidedly not my scene. but yeah, i am not digging this, "bet you can't wait for this, huh huh!" elbowing stuff from relatives and future relations. i'm twenty, for cripes' sake.

and anyway, i'm already on my second marriage.

(that's...that's a joke. kinda.)

for the sake of cripes. whatever they are. surely, you must think of them, next to god and jehovah and pete and the children.

so people were getting sloshed and dancing to that "it's hot in here so take off all your clothes" song i've heard rumors about, as well as "i will survive," both of which seem odd choices for a wedding. the food was good (my cousin sean was proud, as the edibles were very much his selections) and the location was very good for the festivities (a country club on the eastside).

my great aunt bernie and uncle dick were out from massachusetts, and i don't think i'd seen them since i was 13. it was good to see them, although i'm kinda glad we didn't have any extensive conversations since i am pretty sure i would get annoyed with all the opinions they'd force on me. in fact, i was already; bernie seemed quite bent on making my mom cry, which may have been well-intentioned but i really wish she didn't do that. you shouldn't *intentionally* make someone cry. mom was on the edge of weepy for the whole time, of course, but not for the usual weird wedding-cry reasons, obviously.

of course, despite my bemusement with the whole marryin' process as dragged out by this group of people, i couldn't help but plan things myself. i felt like such a goddamn girl. i am not even to that point in anything, yet i made mental notes galore. the main points included: "no cliche-ridden, cheesy vows," "no religious ceremony," "no bad/inappropriate music, only GOOD music." so maybe i don't have things planned out so much as i know what i DON'T want. yeah. that's it. let me comfort myself with that. at least i wasn't picking flowers or anything.

...although, i am fond of roses...

please. kill me now. next thing you know i'll be auditioning bands for the reception.

I'M TWENTY. I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED ANYTIME SOON. I AM QUITE CONTENT WITH EXISTENCE AS IT STANDS. WHY MUST THESE THOUGHTS CROSS MY MIND, AND SO SLOWLY?

sorry for the caps. i felt emphasis was important. i wanted to stab the thoughts out like they were eyeballs or something.

in short, weddings are weird, and people shouldn't make widows cry more than necessary at weddings because that's shitty. also, war sux kthx.

yargh. i am the tired and sleepless one. i don't really feel like doing anything. ...HEY. that's DEPRESSION. well, kinda. anyway. it's not deep-dark; i dunno.

alliteration is sometimes good.

so yesterday i was very tired after work. it took a lot of effort for me to make dinner. chris was over because he was borededededated. i put a pot of water on the stove to boil for the rice noodles and sat on the futon. "i don't ever want to move from this position," i told chris. he told me that eventually the water would boil, and then it would boil off, and the pot would overheat, and the plastic would melt, and my kitchen would catch fire, and the whole building would burn down, and i would die, and that would be the stupidest death ever. i said i didn't care, because it would be somewhat ironic. we decided a death for irony would be ok.

we sat around in my room for awhile doing nothing, then he calld jana as she was walking home from work to get the word on the street. (hee.) she said we should come over and eat ice cream with magic shell. since it was only about 6:30, i agreed that would be delightful. i figured i'd leave the harem around 8 and catch abus up 15th to the paradox.

when i got there, christine and graylan were there, and it was so comfy and fun and i was so tired that i never wanted to move from my chair again. they were being all your-mom-jokey and nintendoing. christine told me i should give jesse a kiss for her, since she wasn't seeing him today. graylan said i should grope jesse for him. they were all so proud of these ideas that they insisted i do them again and again. i said i was not really that kind of person, though i would do the kiss by prefacing it with, "this is from christine." it must be disconcerting for the harem to recognize that i do have a conservative side. ;)

eventually, i decided i had no energy to get to the paradox and then properly enjoy a show, and i felt bad since i had asked jesse to put me on the list and everything. see if people ever want to do me any favors again! meh.

so we heckled an episode of medical detectives on tlc for an hour, then dispersed.

i went to bed kinda late (1am) after chris and i decided to give in to the devils on our shoulders that said we didn't want to go to that meeting this morning. laaaaaazy. he justified it with saying i had to wake him up to go to the farmer's market. he said that would be an acceptable substitute, somehow. whatever. i am totally buying a 5 lb. bag of those good apples from the talky lady from yakima.

i was also in a very angry-at-the-world mood. besides considering the war, i was also thinking about god and fucked-up people and frustrations of everyday existence and politics and choices and things. that's very vague, but it definitely built up incrementally to this consuming sense of anger and hopelessness. i can't really sleep in that kind of mood.

yeah.

listening: fugazi - 23 beats off

scrolling through my blog entries is like scanning radio stations. i always see the "listening: ..." part since it sticks out, and then i hear whatever i was listening to in my head. i even hear static in between. i think i've scrolled past the most recent entry most, though, because "answers" is what i have stuck in my head, namely the "everybody's lookin' for the answers, but you won't find anything here..." and then the two guitar notes that come gently but brightly over the quiet bassline and tapping drums a couple lines later. 764-hero gleams with memories of this past august and september now. i think of i-5 between olympia and seattle and sunny weekday afternoons when the traffic doesn't suck.

my belly full of coffee, i sit here at work, unable to listen to anything else but the din of library patrons and keyboards. i'm off in an hour.

yesterday i was strangely sociable, but it wasn't my fault. i went back to imdb--they are very nice there, even the security guard who came to check me out when i used my badge that wasn't supposed to work but did--and mostly worked alone in silence for three hours. my new job involves looking through the trades for information about who represents whom as a talent agent or whatever and entering that information into the database, including looking up the contact information for the agency if possible. mostly i was hitting ads ("the whatever agency congratulates our emmy nominees..."), most of which are placed by large companies whose information is already in the database, so it was pretty repetitive and easy. i think i will like it more when i have to actually seek the information. it'll break up the monotony a bit more.

after work, i bought $1 in produce at uwajimaya with the intent of making some thai peanut noodles for dinner. when i got home, i had negative desire to cook or eat thai peanut noodles, so i went to pizza brava and got myself two stale slices of mushroom pizza. as i was eating, a guy came up to me and asked if there was anything interesting on the wall. we proceeded to have a quick conversation about long days. i don't usually have strangers randomly talk to me without a reason, like they want me to help them or give them information.

then, feeling a little depressedish and alone, i went to second time around and browsed for awhile before deciding to buy fugazi's red medicine and the talking heads' more songs about buildings and food on vinyl. the record store clerk exclaimed, "that's my favorite fugazi record! and hey! that's my favorite talking heads record!" i said, "i'm glad they meet with your approval." i'm not sure it's a good thing when my tastes begin to align with those of the snobbish record store clerk. not to imply that the individual clerk is necessarily a snob, but that store in general has a more standoffish, snobby attitude.

jenny's boyfriend is here for a few days, and he brought her birthday presents. her birthday is on wednesday. we are the same year in school, but she's a year younger than i am. hehe. i will soon be 21! but first, jenny must turn 20. there is an order to the universe after all.

i have a busy weekend planned. tonight i'm going to a show at the paradox (thanks, jesse!). tomorrow morning, chris and i are going to a meeting about being production interns for this pbs documentary (i believe one of the two films is entitled the other side of peace) that's in southwest seattle somewhere. i also want to go to the farmer's market before it closes. in the evening, my cousin is getting married, so i'm going to that with my mom and brother. i think they will be late for the ceremony, though, because my brother has rehearsal until about the time the wedding is supposed to start. oh well. i have fancy clothes for it and everything, but it'll be weird. this is the cousin who wanted my dad to perform the ceremony, although he had refused because he didn't feel his catholicism allowed it. this is also the cousin who was the one who told me dad died and drove me to olympia in the middle of the night, and told me that he didn't want to be that memory for me, but he is. so it goes. anyway...sunday i want to go to the real change benefit screening of michael moore's bowling for columbine, because i really want to see the film and $5 is cheaper than i will be able to see it when it finally opens up proper. also, my boss lent me three dvds--the big sleep, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and the third man--so i will definitely be watching those throughout the weekend. WHEW.

the previous paragraph sure contained a lot of information, huh? and lots of style errors, were i trying to write for an AP paper. but HAH! i am NOT! therefore, since this is a personal journal and not an AP newspaper, i can write HOWEVER I WANT. i could write in GIBBERISH and no one could tell me i had to fix it. not that i'm rebelling. this is just the way i do things. journal. yay.

sen. cantwell just lost my vote.

i am going to the next war protest that happens. i am sad that i missed the 10,000-person gathering last sunday.

people are stupid.

yayayay, kevin ordered tickets for the aimee mann show! (i am low on cash this month; i'm gonna pay him back.) lower balcony seats, row D. fab.

kevin is gonna be in seattle! that is so neat.

lalalala!

listening: 764hero - answers

it's fascinating the way music can take on different meanings when i'm in different spaces of life. when dad was so sick all summer, things had a different meaning than after he died. i heard things i hadn't heard before; words took on new meanings.

now some things i have heard a million times come back to haunt me with memories and attachments and beg me to let them stay with the past, because the future is too scary. it's a recording; it can come with me, right? but it has a place in time, whether i can bring myself to respect that or not.

i'm finding myself somewhat bored with most of my music; maybe it's because i am in love again (second time in my life; let's hope this turns out better than the one before), so maybe music and love correlate and i need new music to love. wilco fits this space; it matches. a lot of former flames, not so much. they're better than photo albums, though, and a much more subtle regret. there are no faces to cut out in anger, only lyrics to gloss over with conversation or ponder silently in my room at night, alone.

it's easy to be hesitant and bored. it's much harder to be entralled with daily existence, but i try.

listening: 1000 diving robots - thunderbird

ok...i am buzzing on two cups of coffee (seasoned with a bit of brown sugar and nonfat milk) and i have an interesting observation. i think this holds true for other times i've had a reasonable amount of coffee. it is: caffeine increases arousal. well, obviously... but also sexual arousal. that creeps me out. i don't want to get horny from drinking a cup of coffee! i have no outlet!

no more coffee for me today. such a state while sitting around in class and at work, doing homework, is mightily unproductive.

and i still have at least half an hour before i have to go to class! mweh. perhaps it'll wear off. one can only hope.

i went to bed before midnight just because i was bored and i might as well have. of course, just as i'm getting to sleep, some asshole buzzes the apartment. they buzzed several times, and it woke me up, but i don't think anyone got it. it's possible that it was jenny, but i was ASLEEP and they STOPPED by the time i woke up enough to notice it. of course, then it was hard to get back to sleep. i want to be able to make that thing not work after a certain time or something. it freaks me out. the last time i was rudely awakened by the buzzer, it was my aunt and cousin, there to take me to olympia because my dad died. every time it happens now, i'm sure i will flash back to that, so i'm kind of unreasonable about the whole thing. no one else is planning to die, and they would've called, for chrissakes.

people have time issues lately. someone returned a business call to my cellphone at 10:30 p.m. wtf!

and i, of course, continue to wake up too fucking early with a bajillion extraneous things on my mind. today it was around 8. i don't have anywhere to be until 12:30. i would've liked...oh...until AT FUCKING LEAST 9. but no!

maybe i should shower and go back to bed. that tends to work out for me sometimes.

also, my cable was out last night around 2 a.m. fun. at least it was up when i was. i get unreasonably pissy when it comes to broken net connects.

busy month, busy month. ohsomuch to do!

i was actually dreaming this morning that jana got a job at my lab, which is weird because she already has an on-campus job in another library and i don't think she is geeky enough to help people with computer problems. anyway, there were now apparently two other girls working, just squeezed onto the schedule, and i felt very odd. so i was stressing about the schedule, even though it's already set for the quarter and it's just fine with me... bleh.

i think that shower is a good idea. if it fails to motivate me to sleep, i'm sure i can make some coffee and get crackin' on my newswriting assignment.

listening: the gossip - (take back) the revolution

i feel waves of inspiration and creativity coursing through me, but i'm not really doing anything with them. yet. maybe some words will come here.

i've been very...mentally stimulated today, i guess. lots of input. i read a whole book in less than 24 hours--chuck palahniuk's lullaby, thanks for the lend, chris--which i haven't done in a long time. the last time i can remember doing that was a couple summers ago i read the stepford wives in an afternoon after buying it for $0.50 from the salvation army, but that wasn't quite as long or as interesting as this was. it always feels great and accomplished to actually finish a book. it takes a lot more energy than i normally have.

anyway, while i was reading it, i was listening to a lot of music. nothing new, since i haven't been able to justify buying more records since i haven't gotten paid in awhile, but i was thinking about how to mix various records while i did (there is a song on x's more fun in the new world that seems like it might mix well with a talking heads song, maybe "animals," so i put on fear of music after it). i really need another turntable and a mixer. maybe that will be what i ask for for christmas, if we're doing that this year. such things are unknown.

also, i found out that aimee mann is playing the moore on november 18! i need to get tickets. kevin said he would go if moving goes according to plan, but i suspect others in my peer group will balk at the price (about $30 with fees). that's ok.

there are actually a number of shows in the next month or so i plan to see. this friday starflyer 59 is at the paradox, and jesse offered to put me on The List to get in. i would go for the cool factor of saying "i'm on the list" alone, but i am sure it'll be a good show. i think the following weekend is rasputina, also at the paradox, which should be way cool. the 25th there is a tchkung! reunion show (!!!) at the redmond old firehouse and jason webley is opening (!!!), so i absolutely MUST get my flabby ass over there for that. there is history there that i will get into another time if you don't already know, not to mention the combination of two of the fucking coolest shows i've ever seen, again! and of course there is jason webley's annual halloween show on november 2 (day of the dead, hee), and not everyone will get out alive, etc. always a blast, always lots of my friends. and death! of the cool variety.

if i have this much to do for the months BEFORE i turn the magic age of 21, imagine how much money i will be compelled to spend AFTER. ahhh, live music.

so anyway, that was tangential. i am totally in a mood to read now. it's crazy, i don't get this way often. after class, i stopped by bulldog news, hoping for new issues of some of my favorite periodicals, but there were none. ah well, that's what i get for being a fan of independent media.

it is so gray and gorgeous and the leaves are on the ground and the mist hangs in the air as a gentle reminder of the chill to come, so we can prepare joyfully with overabundant coats, jackets, and sweaters that may still be removed before the real cold sets in. of course, this is the northwest, it won't ever get unbearably cold... it just gets gorgeous and views are obscured only by clouds and steaming hot breath.

i am very glad i'm only taking two classes this quarter. i think that's a fabulous plan for me right now. it gives me time to think and do other interesting things with my life, as well as not getting bogged down in the mundane details of a lecture class. i didn't used to mind those, but right now, they are unappealing. both my classes are much cooler than lecture classes; it's great. i'm actually learning to do things. i want to do a lot of things.

soon it will be time to head over to the harem for my weekly dose of tv. ahh, jana and i shall lap up our gilmore girls love. well, i should call her and make sure we're still on for it, but that is the general plan. josie is not joining us this week, preferring instead to see white oleander with some free passes over at the guild with chris.

god, this is a terrible rip of parklife. the last couple tracks are completely choppy. ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-! at least it's rhythmic, i guess.

sometimes i wish i still played guitar. it's just always frustrating when i do pick it back up. i wish i did something musical! i wish i did a lot of things. i'm working on it. my mind is racing through the ideas as i write.

listening: blur - jubilee

HI.

saturday was the BECKY'S 21ST BIRTHDAY and i did NOTHING to commemorate the occasion. i see in her lj that life decided to celebrate it for her with some truly unpleasant side effects of being female! yay life! i am a bad friend. BUT. yay for becky being 21 now and able to go out and enjoy herself at age-restricted establishments with her sweet boyfriend! girly drinks galore! when the thought of alcohol doesn't repulse you!

time now for shower.

monday, monday. na na, nanana!

oh, hi. long weekend. my aunt was supposed to steal my car last night, but as of about 15 minutes ago, she still hasn't. weird. whatever!

so kevin was here this weekend. that was good. i drove all over seattle. well, north seattle, mainly. not downtown. we were apartment-hunting. kevin checked out places in greenwood/broadview, ballard, greenlake, sand point, and the u district. he's pretty much settled on this two-bedroom place in ballard that's the basement of a house. the top of the house is rented out to two other guys. it seems like a pretty nice place. spacious, comfortable, low ceilings. so he has to work out those details, as well as informing people that he is moving--like his dad, and work--and is tenatively planning to move in november 11. funness to the extreme.

so kevin is pretty high on my list of people who are cool right now.

we went to the harem saturday night. my friends are crazy. i love them. there were a lot of people there, and we were amused all evening long with pizza, the question of how much you'd require for someone to chop off various digits, and ultra-competitive five-team pictionary. kevin and i lost very badly, but everyone else was crazy. chris and graylan were a team, later joined by jana, a force that was highly entertaining and should have been unstoppable were it not for the shrill competitiveness of the lindsay-josie-replacementadam team.

sunday was gorgeous. we went to golden gardens and walked along the water for awhile. so lovely.

listening: wilco - i'm the man who loves you