mmf. yeah. getting up at 6am is hardly good for the soul.

then again, if you were to examine the other things in my life, that's probably not the worst of my concerns...

i feel half-zombified. i'm amazed by the thoughts and concern of my friends for my dad, my family, and me, but it takes a lot of energy to talk about it. i hate having reasons for drama. i hate having a legitimate excuse. i always feel like i need to just buckle down and do it anyway, because it could always be worse. well...maybe this is that 'worse'? it sure looks like it's at least approaching that. but, again, i am very touched by everyone who's been supportive, etc. you guys rock more than i can articulate, including a bunch who don't even read this journal. hell, even my boss was good and found me something tedious and mindless to do (counting lab stats, yay) when i said i needed it. i feel lucky.

it just feels wrong to have excuses for not being as big a participant in the things that matter (family) and be hesitant to use them in the things that matter less (school and work). i need to go home this weekend, yes, and i will... but i can't stay for long. i have work, and a test, and an important lecture monday! while my mother is stressed to the point of tears and my father is bedridden, i have to go get educated. i know that's supposed to be a priority, but it just doesn't feel like one. granted, school this summer is easy enough that i don't have to devote a lot of my attention to it, but still.

i just want everything else to fall into place so i can deal with the things that matter...you know?

not that this is all about me. hardly.

my mind tries to fit other peoples' shoes--my feet are usually the wrong size--and play out the scenarios in which they wear them. lately, it's been a fucking multiplex of drama up there. forgive me if hypothesis testing and the devil's-in-the-details (what? but i have long maintained that cancer is the devil) experimental details about attention (i can't pay any, i'm too tired) are things about which i hardly give a fuck.

now i pack for the weekend and wait for my mom.

i've had this song stuck in my head all day. sentiment has got me feelin' le le le...

listening: hot hot heat - le le low

picture life as a long corridor. the lighting is adequate, if spotty, and to either side are doors, windows, and entryways to other corridors. the ambience is not ominous; the scent is not that of a hospital or anything equally noteworthy. the sounds you hear are not screeches behind locked doors or paranoia-inducing whispers of passers-by, but simply the even gait of everyone else walking that corridor. they are not awkwardly silent, nor do they stare at their shoes in a zombie-like hazy; they look forward, they look at their watch, they look at the faces of those they meet. no one has especially crazy hair; no one is wearing a straitjacket. there are no strange, apocryphal creatures scrurrying in corners. in fact, there is nothing here that would lead you to believe life is anything but okay--

and yet, you think to yourself, i am consumed by this sense of uneasiness that looms like a dark cloud of morose skies, and i am just sure that the next time i pass a window, it will finally show itself, take on human form, and attack the window, if only vindicate my ever-increasing dread.

and then, of course, you think that somewhere, the corridors must end. somewhere, the axe murderer hides. somewhere, the villain plots revenge for my transgressions, though i know not what i do. surely, there is something beyond the cool comfort of these walls, and it's something bad.

but you remain intrigued by what must be the inevitable, and occasionally you enter a few unmarked rooms, noting your anticipation as you go in and sensing the emptiness of defeat as your suspicions are proven wrong.

there is an ebb and flow to these corridors to which you have become accustomed; the gentle-but-awkward greeting of strangers and the long pauses at the snack machines at which you take your meals. nights may pass in chairs over a period of twenty minutes, and though you may feel isolated, you are never alone.

some days the sky is blue and you fear the searing heat of the sun; others, the rain drips down windowpanes as you watch with rapt attention when your greatest fear fails to materialize.

perhaps life isn't exactly how you think it is. perhaps the danger lurks not in unmarked rooms, but out in the open with a hundred people staring. perhaps, someday, you can open the door to the outside and find out for sure.

hmm.

my sister just told me that my aunt told her this morning that dad's not going to get any more treatment. if he doesn't get any more treatment--he can't handle any more treatment--he will probably die soon.

no one's saying anything about when.

no one's saying if and when he gets to come home.

my brother doesn't even know yet. he's at camp in seattle and i couldn't get ahold of him last night.

i just told my boss i might have to disappear for some days and why and all that.

i am going home this weekend. life now gets stuck in suspended animation with shadows of the once-was reality hanging on the walls.

hmm.

i feel very weird, but at least i'm awake. i think.

could this still be just a long stress dream? except i'm not late for anything, i get everywhere right on time. doesn't mean it's the wrong time...

josie is here! yay josie! it is good to see her again, though i might not before she leaves this afternoon. she is meeting christine for lunch during my cogpsy lecture at a cafe very near my classroom, ugh! but i should not afford more food out these days.

she got here yesterday pretty soon after i arrived home from the day, and we sat and talked for a couple hours before she left to do other things and see other people, promising to meet up again for dinner at the thai-ger room. while she was gone, i went to the store (and bought a couple more things than i really needed, which is to be expected of me in a grocery store) and baked pita bread. when, at the end of the preparation and baking process, i realized i had succeeded, i felt very good about myself. i enjoy baking stuff that i should be eating--as opposed to stuff i just want to eat constantly--and i am happy that, after only one truly failed attempt and only three yeast packages, i managed to get the hang of it. it might not be the bestest bread ever, but it's decidedly functional for my purposes, not to mention fun to actually make. what can i say, i like kneading and rolling.

talked to mom yesterday. apparently they have dad on oxygen and morphine in the hospital so he isn't in any pain. this sounds much worse than they made it out to be when they saw me monday night. i don't know, though. i think i need to go home this weekend.

on the happy side, i got one of three 100%s in the class on my stats exam. woo.

i think there is little else to report. i am tired. it's 7:30. i'm at work. today is a long day. bleh.

hmm. i didn't get to see my parents for long. they were tired and had to get to olympia and check my dad into the hospital...

decided not to go hang out with reid tonight. i was tired and hungry. ended up setting up mom's record player (it works! wooooo!) and playing records and making dinner with jenny (i made salmon and asparagus; she put together some rice stuff her mom made for her. it was all delicious), so now i feel a little better. hmm.

my back itches.

i am kind of hungry still. i don't know how. i ate a lot. big piece of salmon, tzatziki, rice, asparagus, mmmm. tzatziki with salmon is awesome, by the way.

my crazy ugly hexagonal endtable is now here, too. i removed the uglyass moss green thingies from the doors and intend to replace them with something soft and red. i think i might also make a project of painting the table with a dark cherry wood lacquer or something. i know nothing about doing shit to furniture, but i'd like it to look crazy. for now, it just looks crappy, like i bought it at goodwill... you know, because i did. anyway, very shiny dark stuff would look cool with the red accent in the doors, so i'm gonne try it next time i have the time. which might be never! hey, we're in college, we're allowed an ugly living room.

jenny's mom didn't seem to approve of our bohemian-style living room without a couch of any sort. speaking of which, josie is coming up tomorrow! woo! i haven't seen her for months! this should be cool. good things my tuesdays are reasonably free. oh yes, it is related because she is going to crash on my living room floor among the pillows. mm, the pillows. and the down throw. mm. bohemian lifestyle. mm.

yeah.

back itches.

sleep kinda soon.

bad 6am!

listening: radio 4 - end of the rope

trying blogger in opera... wow. i thought it was odd that mozilla had a tiny box for entries, but uh... opera is like. i can see a couple words. it's a tiny little box. very odd.

i'm sleepy as fuck. 6am sucks. i got the urge to write a song about it, so someday when i'm playing clubs, i can introduce it as the song that i wrote about having to wake up at 6 almost every day to work one summer. then i remembered i don't write songs (very well, anyway), and i have kind of abandoned those delusions of grandeur about being in a band... unless i do eventually get that set of turntables and make noise for some cool art rock band. that would be leet.

yeah. so sleepy.

i'm waiting for my parents to show up. their doctor's appointment was very late, and i haven't heard from them in almost two hours. mom said dad won't be able to manuever the steps to my apartment, so i'll have to come to the car to see him. that's not a problem, but thatm akes me very worried about dad. very worried. dammit.

on a happier note, i have decided that my next baking experiment is gonna be whole wheat pitas. i am really attracted to the idea of baking my own bread, etc. it's a lot of fun, at least with the amount of free time i currently have. it's one of the few aspects of the diy philosophy i can actually do, since i suck at actually making my own clothes, etc., but i can cook! yay!

also supposed to go to reid's tonight. she lives very near here, at least for the summer, so that's cool. i might have to skip out and see my parents more, though... that seems more important right now. (sorry, guys.)

yeah. i dunno. stuff stuff, etc. blah. tired.

listening: quasi - repetition

teatime for frances, and i'm all out of jam.
teakettle on the stovetop, i'll forget that it's there.
hot tea in summertime is good
when it's been raining all day.
if i can't remember when the water boils,
i'll watch the pot until it does.
i could be here all day.
i could forget my name.
but there's rain, and soon
there too will be tea.

the weekend has been kind. case in point: this morning, i finally had what i think was a "good" dream. i know, because it involved record shopping and thrifting and lacked an overwhelming sense of sadness, fear, or dread.

the bad news is my nails require attention. alas. i hate my fingernails.

(becky's gonna make fun of me for that. she once made fun of me because i started gushing about my hair and how much i like its texture in here, and now i'm doing another girly thing and babbling about my fingernails, though now at this point i've talked more about becky than my fingernails, so it's probably a moot point.)

but yeah, i've done a lot in the past few days! the linx exploits were vaguely chronicled already, but there was more. friday night i met chris for coffee, then we got dinner at tokyo garden (mmm, cabbage salad), then we rented movies and watched woody allen's everything you ever wanted to know about sex (but were afraid to ask). then i went home and chris got drunk while watching moulin rouge, which seems to be his latest morbid fascination. perhaps he will rant about it in his blog, since he certainly has enough thoughts about it to produce a coherent rant, although IT'S A YEAR LATE.

yesterday i did the farmer's market, etc., as already discussed. then i watched chungking express, which was lovely, i think i'll have to watch it again. mostly, though, i killed time until...

...meeting chris again for the purpose of walking to the paradox to see a show. yay! i love shows. it was a pretty enjoyable show, too! i was up at the front for the last two bands. aveo isn't very danceable, though i enjoyed them more than i remembered. still not enough to buy the cd, though. radio 4 impressed the shit out of me. i was standing next to a couple goth-looking superfans--the look made me nervous at first, but i wasn't truly worried--one of whom was a large guy clad in all black who was pretty exuberant about his dancing. i was trying to rock out, too, but between standing next to that guy and trying not to get hit by his elbow while his arm punched out devil's horns and flanked on my other side by a girl wearing fucking *flip-flops,* it was a little difficult. but that was ok, because they rocked the fuck out. the band consisted of a bassist/lead singer, guitarist/singer, keyboardist, drummer, and random percussionist/occasional backup vocalist. the songs were complex and very groovy, but still interesting. i couldn't tell what they were singing about, but it sounded like it might be kind of vaguely interesting. i bought the cd; perhaps more coherent thoughts to follow.

the main attraction was hot hot heat, whom i'd never heard, but jesse told me the cd sounded cool and i should check it out because he couldn't. a girl from the vancouver to the south complimented my shirt (twice in one day! unusual and flattering), telling me it had "good morals" and a "good color, good everything!" hehe. she was excited to see hot hot heat. i was not unimpressed. they put on a fun show. a mosh pit formed, and i was on the edge, but it was ok. they encouraged--and got--a lot of dancing on our part. music i can dance to is one of my favorites for a live show. it keeps me awake, even though i get a little self-conscious about bumping into people, sweating, smelling, etc. i bought the ep, which is good, but i think they are much more a live band. the lead singer played keyboard and acted very rock star. one girl took off her shirt for him when he said he'd take off his clothes if we did first. (after the show, she retrieved her shirt from over by the drumkit. she had also been feeling him up during the first song.) the guitarist was fucking cool. he jumped around and mouthed the lyrics along with the singer, though he didn't have a mic. at one point, he tried to get the girl sitting on the corner of the stage in front of the large speakers to dance with him, but she wouldn't relent. anyway, it was a fun show. i'm glad i went. shows make my weekend.

today i slept in until 10:30! that's amazing. now is the time for bathing, eating, and movie-watching. perhaps i am doing something with other people today, but i don't know yet. haven't heard from anyone. alas. how much excitement can one weekend truly contain, anyway? i could definitely live with this level on a regular basis.

i think i'm smelling a new theme idea... "i'm so tired." yessss. a lot of songs about sleepiness. including THIS ONE.

listening: hot hot heat - have a good sleep